Crissy's

Winnie dan Wilbur

2009-01-24T03:18:00.000-08:00

tanpa sadar terkadang kita ini menjadi hakim bagi lingkungan sekitar kita dengan melupakan suatu hukum otokritik.
kita dengan sibuk menuding satu sama lain, tanpa pernah mengerti sebenarnya tudingan itu mengacung lebih berat kepada diri kita sendiri.

sore tadi saat dalam perjalanan pulang dari facial, mama ngomongi saya sesuatu yang tidak saya sukai. sesuatu yang seharusnya sudah saya planned untuk dipikirkan nanti, yang tanpa ijin ia angkat topik ini untuk menjadi bahan pembicaraan di mobil tadi.

mengenai pasangan hidup. lagi-lagi.. sigh.
saya memang sedang dekat dengan seseorang, dan walaupun belum menetapkan akan menjalani sebuah status dengannya, tapi saya sudah menganggap hubungan ini serius.
tapi tampaknya bagi orang tua saya itu jadi masalah.
sesuatu yang tidak dimiliki oleh sang calon menjadi pandangan yang berbuah tanda tanya di hadapan mereka, dan mungkin oleh keluarga besar saya.

bagi saya pribadi, itu bukan masalah. saya seseorang yang semi-humanist, dan menjunjung tinggi pemaknaan daripada sekadar labelitas biasa.
dan itu yang saya lihat dari dia. meskipun ia tidak berlabelkan seperti yang orangtua saya harapkan, namun perilaku dan tindakannya justru terkadang lebih dewasa & bermoral daripada orang-orang yang mencap dirinya dengan label itu.

kata mereka, visi misi dan pandangan hidup nanti berbeda.
"yang penting dasar fondasinya dulu harus sama, urusan "bangunan" itu gampang".
walaupun saya pesimis dengan kalimat itu, namun saya juga memikirkannya.

ini sebuah pertempuran pro dan kontra yang cukup sulit untuk saya.
karena "label" itu bukan sekadar identitas diri, namun lebih jauh ia merupakan makna dan indikasi keintiman hubungan seorang manusia dengan Penciptanya; jauh dari sebatas rutinitas ritual. itu pendapat saya.
dan karena itulah, saya tidak mengerti harus bagaimana.
memakaikan "label" itu begitu saja atas dirinya mungkin bisa menyelesaikan masalah di mata orangtua saya.
tapi bagi saya, yang akan menjalani kehidupan pribadi dengan dia; tidak sesimpel itu.

kehidupan dia nantinya juga akan menjadi kehidupan saya; secara spiritual pun juga.
inilah kerumitannya.

di tengah kegundahan saya beralih ke tulisan-tulisan Dee yang biasanya inspiratif.
entry blog terbarunya mengisahkan tentang seorang penyihir bernama Winnie yang sibuk mengubah warna kucing hitam kesayangannya Wilbur, menjadi kontras dengan warna rumahnya yang juga hitam, supaya si kucing "terlihat" dan tidak menyusahkannya ketika ia mencari kucing itu.
namun tanpa disangka gonta-ganti warna justru membuat binatang lain mengejek kucing tersebut, dan membuat hati kucing itu sedih.
akhirnya si penyihir pun mengubah warna rumahnya menjadi warna lain dan tetap membiarkan kucing kesayangannya berwarna hitam seperti aslinya.

saya seperti tertempelak dan dihadapkan pada cermin ketika membaca kisah ini.
seringkali saya berlaku seperti itu.
"memaksa" orang lain berubah demi kesempurnaan dunia saya.
tanpa saya sadari, justru perubahan itu seharusnya terjadi dalam dunia saya, dan bukannya pada para tamu yang dengan baik hati berkunjung masuk.

Winnie mengingatkan saya pada kita semua. Kita, yang seringkali bersikukuh untuk mengubah seseorang, memermaknya agar sempurna di mata kita, memaksanya agar muat dan tepat dalam ruang hidup kita, memangkas atau menambalnya agar bisa pas dengan kebutuhan kita, tanpa peduli bahwa apa yang kita perbuat sesungguhnya adalah siksaan bagi yang bersangkutan. Dalam penjara logika dan mental kita masing-masing, kita berpikir bahwa mengubah seseorang adalah solusi yang realistis dan humanis. Atas nama cinta dan apa pun, kita bahkan merasa bahwa kita sedang berbuat kebaikan.

Namun Winnie Sang Penyihir mengingatkan kita bahwa ada satu hal penting yang sering terlupa: diri kita sendiri. Perubahan tak pernah terjadi oleh hal lain di luar kita, meski faktor eksternal bisa jadi pemicunya. Yang mampu menggerakkan perubahan sejati hanyalah kita sendiri. Seperti halnya Winnie yang luput membenahi rumahnya dan malah sibuk mengutak-atik Wilbur tanpa sadar kalau aneka sihirnya malah membuat Wilbur terdera karena menjadi sesuatu yang bukan dirinya, kita pun acap kali terlena dalam ekspektasi serta upaya untuk mengubah orang lain, dan malah lupa dengan pembenahan yang paling penting dan realistis yakni, sekali lagi, diri kita sendiri. Dan ini adalah masalah yang amat sering kita alami. Dari waktu ke waktu.
sumber: www.dee-idea.blogspot.com

bagaimanapun akhir dari cerita saya dengan dia nantinya, satu hal yang saya pahami dengan benar saat ini:
sayalah yang harus terlebih dahulu berubah.
menjadi contoh hidup tanpa banyak kata dan debat kusir yang tak berarti.

semoga ia memaklumi kekanak-kanakan saya ini, dan semoga saya bisa memahami bagaimana rasanya menjadi seorang dia.

xxx

lullaby

2009-01-21T09:50:00.000-08:00

i browsed to the other blogger, and i stopped by at Liang's.
without any single 'click', a dear music plays by itself.
Twilight: Bella's Lullaby

and a glance of feeling suddenly rushed in.
a feeling of missing someone.
him.

not the 'old' him, but the new one.
unfortunately, he is away in a dream now, and i am completely awake. hehehe.

listen to the notes, breathe in the feeling.

Twilight: Bella's Lullaby with Official Cast.mp3

does this song remind you of someone?
it does to me.

and all i want to do now is running in a rush into his warm arm and lay down restfully.
<:)

remembrance

2009-01-21T08:33:00.000-08:00

i had a quite big night.
a marvelous reunion with NAPI. gang of friends i met in my uni-life. a crazy lunatic one. but still lovely. :)

we had a talk about the trip to Jogja, and a tricky scenario created to bring a jolly surprise for our dear friend, -still one of the members; Pepeng.
she is going to turn 20 next week. and the latest "covenant" we had on our schedule is to make a super birthday blast for each of the NAPi-ers. and that's why, we were gathered at deShire -a hooked small nice resto in PTC; to have some discussions and decisions about how to make it surprisingly a surprise.
and we go with the story: Pepeng dirampok.
hahahaha.. a silly one, i admit. but it must be fun, i believe. :)

i ended up with some buying of DVDs, a complete season of Lipstick Jungle and a witty film 21.
it was my plan to spend the last 6 hours i had tonight *because i usually sleep at 3.00 AM nowadays* watching those movies.
but out of what was expected, all of those were broken. and it pissed me off.
i couldnt enjoy even only a little bite of mine!
>.<

so i scattered in front of my desktop, having my fingers rested on every letter. and here i am, writing down every single feeling messed up within my lonely heart.
only in a sudden, my heart found it's melancholic corner seat.
i opened some past memories, browsing on it for a while, and unconsciously a drop of tear was shed.
then the other followed.
i bursted into tear.

i am all alone now, no man to accompany *because he has been falling asleep an hour ago hehehe*, and even no music to play just to make it somehow better.
i am completely senseless.
i cannot wake up.

a single lyric of a lame boyband got me in a caught:
"i tried to go on like i never knew you,
i'm awake but my world is half asleep
i pray for this heart to be unbroken,
but without you all i'm going to be is incomplete."

i turn to lie on my back, repositioning my rigid body, i vigilantly reflect the whole lot i ever had the last few years.

am i okay?

have i been totally recovered from the loss?

am i worthy to receive such a gracious gift *him* now?

can i keep him safely in my heart?

can i love him wholeheartedly?

the answer remains an enigma.
careless and sleeplessly i was slowly getting better.

the burden gradually went through and faded away.
i am free now.

i am glad i had a baby-cry this night.
even when i realized i cried for nothing important to recall.
i'm crystal clear to see through the tears that dropped that: this is my life now. make it best.

my dad always echoes some wise words to go on with life,
"when you look back to your past, you wouldn't say, “I should’ve done this instead” or “That wasn’t the smartest way to do it.”
not even in one milisecond.
you have to know that you gotta be proud of yourself, of what your heart had decided.
by then, you will know clearly that life is worthwhile to live to the fullest."

it's not an easy job.
many things we have in mind to stop our step everytime it seems so impossible to live in.
or often, we find ourselves standing shivering on the crossroad with no clue where to pick as a turning point.
we have no idea at all of what we're living in, sometimes.

but sometimes also, life has it's own way to bring us to a moment where we will barely figure out that it itself is totally beautiful.
and before the time come, i think we should kindly receieve the rain.
because when the drops is in our hands, we purely know.. the rainbow is on his way to show up soon.
so just patiently wait.

:)

the forgiveness to learn

2009-01-20T08:52:00.000-08:00

hey ya!
im so sorry to leave this journal for ages. it's like my fingertips didn't even want to touch it to make some words. but the good thing is that now i'm back! :) life's been very good, mostly because i'm so having a real fun on my hols. i really enjoy my holiday, and i'm really holiday-ing, no work or even so-called deadly assignment waiting on a line.

i went to many places: Jakarta, Bandung, Cirebon, Batu, Pacet.. anywhere i like, and Jogja is mentioned to be the next destination. i plan to go there with my lovely NAPI *oh how i miss them like a bunch*. we sort of enrolled the campus program of career improving event, and it will be held in Jogja. one thing do comes up within our insane minds: we can afford a three-days "liburan ceria" without spending too much money for accomodation thingy! and the togetherness *and the photos and the craziness utmostly* is the thing that matters. :) kind of a tricky mindset we have *and always inject in*.

the hols has been a "busy" one for me. too many good friend came, and so i was delightly asked to spend more time with them. start from a dear godly friend Tim, then a sister of heart Lia, my long lost childhood buddy Noel, then here it comes A Chong *a special guest *wink* from Beijing.. hahaha*, and then familyhood: my grandparents to join. ;) it's like my days are filled with time to going out anywhere they asked me to, and so my mom got a slight anger to me : "kamu kok kluar teros seh?" well yeah.. parents. they sometimes forget they have ever been this young like me. hehehehe..

and not to be mentioned, i too love spending much time with him. accompanying my dude to finish his jobs and attached too close to him like i am glued. haha.. but we really had a great time. making many things done, getting to know more about life and work, and not just spending time to lose some money on uneccessary thing like shopping.

oh and i finally colored my hair! it was totally Lia's crazy idea.
she forced me! by money, literally. hahahaha.. i like to leave my hair as natural as it can be. but she said it was a belated birthday present. a treat. what can i say?
actually she had given me right away.
she sang a HAPPY BIRTHDAY song with her roommates and Shanghai fellas on my birthday night by international calling, and it was really deep and touched my heart. i missed her in a second away. and i thought it was the present. i asked for nothing more. but she had a mind of her own.
and so, i'm dark-mahogany-golden-brown haired now! hahahahaha.. i like the way it be now, frankly to say. it looks nice, and cute. and.. still natural. that's the most important thing. :)

a dinner to celebrate our new shinning colored hair! :D

i met mr. ex last week, holding his new girl right beside himself. i paused for a while to take a deep breath, and stay relax. well, it wasn't a nice shot because he didn't even say "hello" to Lia *a friend of him too*. and i disliked it. i don't think it had to be that way. please be a pro lover, dear mister. you're over twenties now.
i still can accept it, the fact that we should say "goodbye forever" because of the memories we ever had and the memory he wanted to paint now. it's understandable.
but losing a fella?
i don't think that's a good idea.

i sighed silently. but it was pretty loud not to be outspoken. i turned to my right and gently begged for Lia's opinion. then she slowly helped me see that a life provided before my eyes now is way much better and mature.

the days, the laughters, the memories, the experienced, the knowledge i shared with my loved ones *mostly with him* cannot be replaced with that mr. ex's stuffs. i was gifted with a more blessed love within my life. a love that makes my heart so full, and asking for more is useless.

i now barely understand, even with a small step for each walking. he's nothing more than a lame memory. i can not erase mind's loading, but i can grow dealing with them. it still be a careless and unreasonable decision in my thought, when he decided to end the "connection" between us. and i was disappointed.

but now i see, perhaps one day he will be the one who should feel loss, and guilty. he had threw away a chance to get knowing God's precious little girl. :) and when i say further, i know now.. without him dumping me the way he did, i would not get an opportunity to let my heart free, and learn deeply to forgive and growing much more mature. and the one thing i won't ever forget: losing me out of his sight is just a destiny's witty way to put me right beside a new better man in my life.
so should i keep mourning and put the anger safe in my heart?
well, i guess following the way he threw me away is sort of a great method to do exactly just the same to my disappointment and "if-only"s.

a nice bible verse got me in contemplation,
Do not repay anyone evil for evil.
Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written:
"It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.
On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12: 17-21

God's using how he treated me to learn more about the way love acts in return. and that's why i shall rejoice. just like what my days before me will be so. :)

have a good night dear all.
and keep stopping by for me okay?
love you! <3

the xmas eve

2008-12-23T23:53:00.000-08:00

Happy Xmas Eve, all! :)

Ngga kerasa ya, sebentar lagi tahun 2008 berakhir. Kayaknya baru sebentar kita memulai tahun ini dengan resolusi-resolusi dan janji-janji masa depan.

Sambil ngetik entry ini, winamp di desktop saya lagi muterin “O, Holy Night”, an old christmas song which I love the most. Lagu natal yang paling bikin saya takjub dan bisa tersentuh untuk memaknai natal.

Banyak hal yang terjadi sebelum natal, bahkan sebelum saya pergi ke gereja sore ini untuk beribadah.

Satu hal yang buat saya pingin teriak, “Knapa lagi? Knapa begitu aja ngga’ boleh? Kenapa kok tampaknya saya bahkan ngga’ punya hak buat speak up, buat express my feelings? Knapa hal seperti itu saja kok jadi masalah?”.

Waktu “masalah” itu datang, saya langsung ngga’ nafsu makan. Soalnya pas itu lagi mau lunch. Hihi. Capek gitu rasanya.. Kenapa sih banyak orang ngga’ bisa bersikap dewasa padahal melihat umurnya seharusnya ia sudah dituntut untuk menjadi sebuah contoh kedewasaan yang pantas.

Saya akui memang di posisi itu saya yang salah, I broke the promise. Hanya saja saat itu, saya merasa sudah cukup banyak hal-hal “ngga’ penting” yang menyudutkan saya. Di satu sisi saya dibenci untuk sebuah masa lalu yang tidak bisa dirubah. Saya “dipaksa” kehilangan seorang teman yang saya kasihi.

Dan sekarang hanya karena sebuah kebaikan hati yang diekspos, saya kembali harus bungkam.

Kadang saya rasa ini ngga’ adil. Kenapa kok harus seperti ini..

Di tengah semua kepenatan itu ayat itu teringat lagi di hati, ”let your gentleness be evident to all”.

Ternyata, apa yang saya tulis semalam ngga’ Tuhan biarkan cuman jadi sebatas text saja.

I was tested this noon, and i failed again.

I failed to prove what I was into.

Dan belajar untuk selangkah lagi menjadi lebih dewasa dari sebelumnya itu benar-benar sulit.

Ternyata cukup melelahkan juga melihat diri saya yang easily kepancing emosi dan reacted like a child.

Sewaktu mensharingkan hal ini sama Yensen, ada satu hal yang saya sadari itu benar:

Rasanya lebih baik untuk memasuki umur kepala 2 dengan stay pada prinsip “mending kita yang sakit daripada kita lihat orang lain yang sakit gara-gara kita”.

Saya jadi ingat apa yang selama ini saya pelajari tentang love.

Love does sacrifice.

Ketika saya merasa marah karena harus kehilangan “dia” sebagai teman, saya tahu itu bukan berarti kasih persahabatan itu juga harus ikut menguap. Kasih itu harus tetap ada, karena love is unconditional.

Dan apa yang lebih baik daripada melihat orang yang kita kasihi bahagia?

Karena “love is kind, .. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong” (1 Corinthians 13 : 5).

Dan ketika saya memutuskan untuk tetap menaruh kasih itu, saya tahu saya tidak boleh egois. Saya marah atas “ketidakadilan”, saya kesal “disudutkan” seperti itu, saya kecewa karena harus kehilangan, dan saya tahu semua kemarahan itu hanya untuk kepuasan dan pembelaan diri saya sendiri. How selfish I am.

Saya menyesal karena lebih memilih untuk bersikap “tidak peduli” dan tidak mau mencoba mengerti bagaimana posisi yang sedang ia jalani sekarang.

Saya menyesal, karena saya gagal lagi.

Sore ini kebaktian natal dimulai dengan sebuah kantata. Pagelaran perpaduan drama, tari-tarian dan nyanyian yang mengisahkan keagungan kelahiran Yesus. Saya lega karena saya bisa berada di jajaran paduan suara malam nanti. I love singing, and i love being in it. It brings me such a peace and warmth.

Natal yang saya nyanyikan melalui chorus-chorus yang dibawakan banyak mengisahkan tentang betapa besar kasih Bapa akan dunia ini, walaupun dunia menolaknya.

Kebaktian malam ini tampaknya bukan sekedar menjadi perayaan dan refleksi pemaknaan natal saja, tapi juga sebuah malam perenungan buat saya secara pribadi. Sudahkah saya benar-benar mengerti arti kasih?

Sudahkan saya berhasil merepresentasikan kasih yang sempurna itu melalui ketidaksempurnaan saya?

Tampaknya, malam ini saya harus rela dengan rendah hati menghampiri palungan sederhana itu, dan melihat lebih dalam apa yang dinamakan “kasih” itu sebenarnya.

Selamat menikmati malam yang kudus, semuanya!

Hope you feel any christmas in your heart and life.

God Bless!

a new day has come

2008-12-18T07:43:00.000-08:00

it feels so damn GREAT to finally experience what is called freedom.
it's been like years since i had my first free-to-wake-up-late day. and here it comes.. my long hols after such a long deviation.
:)

the last day of exam did feel good, even my last test wasn't going that well.
i think i failed that.
it was Fisika Bangunan, and i miscounted the numbers and put the wrong room index so all went wrong.
it's not because i didn't understand the test, it was all because a simple mistake.

and that mistake failed my last hope to have it straight to the A for my FisBang this semster.
that made my mood quite distracted too, for a while.

after having my lunch i went to Pelma to join the Mezbah Doa every 12.30PM-1.30PM, then continued it with the coordination meeting with some of my division members.
because it was the last MD of the semstr, so Ce MonMon as the leader asked everyone of us to share what had been through in a 6-month.

i wasn't in the mood of sharing, so i stayed quite and just spoke out some neccessary words, not close to telling stories like the others.
but then the sharing time went deeper and more touching to me.
listening to my sisters-and-brothers-in-Christ's contemplations quite forced me to take some time to reflect.
they were talking about giving thanks to our GOD for they were be able to finish this semster with responsibilty to HIM, even if that wasnt the best one.

as i looked down to myself directly, i was surprisingly amazed to find that i forgot to give thanks to Him.
i focused on what is bad, and neglect to raise my praise for what He'd done for me through the semester.
suddenly i felt like my heart was rejoicing.
and i remembered clearly what Elvina (a dear sister of mine in my cell group) had ever told me, "gimana ya Chris.. buat aku sih, ngga' ada lagi alasan untuk ngga' bersukacita.. aku sudah jadi milik Kristus, dan itu hal terbaik yang aku pernah alami dalam hidupku. apa lagi yang harus aku minta?".
and in one shot i realised, "yes, is there anything else i should ask for?"
a score is a score.
i'd done my best, and the rest is His.
nothing i can do to change nor to make any better.
and the most important thing is, i've done my 3rd semster, and i saw GOD's hands and HE Himself walking by me every single day, every single breathe i take.
what could be any better?

i remember a Bible verse i read tonight, it was taken from Philipians 3 : 7-8.
"But what things were gain to me, these i have counted loss for Christ.
But indeed i also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom i have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that i may gain Christ".

that dissapointment of having a mistake on my test last days has been counted loss for me. because a knowledge of Christ that i gained through that mistake is far more precious than anything.
through my mistake, through my not-so-good score, i was be able to know Him more.
and it was like a gentle reminder for me, to always surrender to Him, to do my things not by myself, but by His grace and mercy.

i am going to have a 3-days trip start from tomorrow until Sunday.
yap i'm going to have a "refreshing" gathering with some of Pelma's member *approximately 17 people with join with me there* in order to.. yeah.. have some.. little fun in holidays, and to strengthen each other in the spirit of Christ.

at first i was not too interested with this event. i miss my home easily these days *i dont even know why!*, and besides.. Tim and Kev are going back to Surabaya! that makes me more.. "males" to leave this town. i should spend more time with them. because Tim's going back to Seattle on January 2nd.

but i don't know why, i joined this event, and neglecting that homesick feeling or the chance to hang around with Tim and Kev.
i decided to keep on going even i didn't feel like i'm so into this.
but i thanked my GOD, that i've been being tough to myself.
now i'm not sorry because of that decision.

after my bible reading this night *this is the first night i do that after such an age i didn't even touch my bible*, i really know that i missed GOD so much. and i'm thirsty of Him.
and i'm so glad to know that in that 3-days trip, there will be much time to have an AWG.
Alone With God time.
it's a time where we can find our own "secret" place with a natural view we choose by ourselves *that's why AWG is quite often held while retreat or camp.. because being near to GOD's creation like the nature, also takes part in bringing you closer to HIM.. i'm talking about the feeling, the atmosphere that's given by that condition*
and spend about 1-2hours being alone with Him.
having some silence moment to contemplate, and to "listen" to His voice more clearly, and do some reflection.

and the most thing that i feel glad about is that i will be refreshed there! by the Words of GOD, by the fellowship.. or even by the sharing and togetherness with the other believers.
i've been not experiencing such a thing these days, even in my church.
that's why i feel so thirsty, and my spiritual growth is stagnant, and it's like a desert deep down here.

i'm looking forward to listening to His voice within my heart.
i'm so excited! it's like waiting passionately to meet a lover.
and yes, Jesus is the lover of my heart. ;)

have a greeeeaaat night y'all!!
*oh and i'm planning to have a Macbook! wkwkwkwkw.. tell you later bout that!*
God bless!

if You want me to

2008-12-11T00:10:00.000-08:00

i'm blogging again! :)
*you can simply check my shoutout at facebook and find i was writting down this announcement to show that i'm terribly happy to blog again.. wkwkwkw*

at last, i have the time. a relaxing time to compose a-b-cs, to slack around others' words, and to just lay back and have some browsings.
i can't believe it christmas is coming soon and it's as near as counting the days easily.

seneng rasanya udah masuk bulan desember lagi. ngga' cuma karena bisa ngrayain natal lagi, tapi it is simply because my birthday is on Dec.
looking back to what i've been passing through these *soon-to-be* 12 months and watched all the steps and decisions i'd made, i couldn't bear it not to thank my GOD because of what HE has done within my life.
i couldn't recall clearly what had happened from Jan-June, but i recognized easily a moment to another from July until now. the months where my 3rd semester were dearly sclupted.

it had been a great semester; eventhough wasn't the best one.
i still remember this semester was started with a hard feeling of losing, and hurted.
my ex boyfriend left for Shanghai, and by the time i found out that he had had a new girl to catch up. it wasn't a big deal seharusnya, mengingat kami udah putus 2 tahun yang lalu. tapi tetep aja, facing that fact wasn't as easy as it seemed.
ada perasaan sedih, marah, jealous, benci.. tapi yang paling took part adalah kehilangan.
rasanya seperti keep telling to myself,
"okay Crista, dia udah bener-bener pergi sekarang.. there won't be any call to say "hello, i miss you" again in any later nights, dan kamu harus sadar akan hal itu.. and just let him go..".
untuk beberapa orang saying goodbye mungkin bukan hal yang sulit. tapi buat aku, it matters the most sometimes.

terutama karena aku mengambil keputusan untuk stay di daerah "non-blok". aku ngga' mau let him go dengan keyakinan "he's not worth for me, he's bad and i should find another better guy, he's.. etc etc etc". jauuuh lebih mudah memang waktu kita berpindah dari satu hati ke hati yang lain dengan benci atau "balas dendam". but i don't want that.
he'd ever been a very special person to me, and i want to respect all what he had done by loving him as a dear friend.
and that's why i said it wasnt easy for real.

but the show should keep going on, right?

setiap hari di bulan-bulan awal semester 3, pergumulanku meliputi itu semua: forgive, and forget.
belum selesai menuntaskan proses yang satu itu, ternyata Tuhan ngijinin aku untuk belajar hal lain yang juga susah, dan made me quite doubting myself.
aku cukup banyak berselisih paham sama ketua bidangku di Pelma *in the older post i think i'd ever written about this* di mana aku jadi mempertanyakan tahun depan aku bakalan lanjut melayani di Pelma atau ngga'.

semenjak aku masuk Pelma pertama kali, ngga' pernah kepikiran buat "keluar" dari sana. menurutku melayani di Pelma itu ya a whole lifetime. bahkan sampe' jadi alumni pun akan tetap setia. tapi aku jadi males juga.. ternyata anak-anak Pelma ngga' se"bagus" kelihatannya.
dan aku kecewa..

secara ngga' sadar aku mulai bisa melihat, GOD used them to sclupt me being better.
aku inget satu ayat di Proverbs yang bilang, "besi menajamkan besi".
mereka ada, mereka diijinkan TUHAN masuk ke dalam hidupku untuk membuat aku jadi semakin murni, semakin dewasa di hadapan TUHAN.
dari mana aku bisa belajar jadi pengertian dan mau memahami orang lain terlebih dahulu kalau aku ngga' pernah disalahpahami?
gimana aku bisa jadi seseorang yang cool-headed dan ngga' quick-judging kalau stiap hari dikasi' orang-orang yang "baik hati, sabar, nyenengin" terus?

terlalu banyak kesempatan yang terlewat di hidupku untuk aku menuntun diriku sendiri menjadi lebih dewasa. aku mengalami banyak hal yang bikin sedih, capek, jengkel, dll. dan aku cuman melewatinya begitu saja. set an anger on those things dan lega ketika masalah itu berakhir. that's it. meaningless.
dan aku tau kesalahan pertamaku sebenarnya karena i left Him.
kehidupan spiritualku boleh dibilang sangat kering dan parahnya i get used to it!

aku ngga' pernah lagi memulai hari dengan TUHAN, dan begitu here it comes the night, aku langsung tidur begitu aja. dan hari-hari yang aku jalani akhirnya cuma berlalu tanpa makna.
everything's going well memang, tapi hampa.
ngga' ada yang membawaku semakin dekat kepada pengenalan akan Dia.

beberapa hari lagi i will getting older.
satu hal yang strucks me in my mind:
sudah siapkah aku menyandang umur 19?
apakah aku udah bertambah dewasa daripada tahun lalu?
sudah pantas belum disebut umur 19?

dan aku tahu benar jawabannya cuman satu: stick to Him, and let Him shape me as what He has planned for me.

i heard His callings in my heart, keeps calling me where i will be back "home"..
i want to be back "home", but it's just so dark deep inside my heart.. and i can't find the way by myself..

The pathway is broken

And The signs are unclear

And I don't know the reason why You brought me here

But just because You love me the way that You do

I'm gonna walk through the valley

If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was

When I took my first step

And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet

so if all of these trials bring me closer to you

Then I will walk through the fire

If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen

When you lead me through a world that's not my home

But You never said it would be easy

You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me

And I'm all by myself

And I can't hear You answer my cries for help

I'll remember the suffering that Your love put You through

And I will walk through the darkness

If You want me to

ginny owens, if You want me to

Roxy

2008-10-27T03:44:00.000-07:00

long time no see! :)
and still i'm too passionate to tell you about my day.

today has been a very great one.
considering my last-night was totally a sad movie.

jadi begini ceritanya;
skitar minggu lalu, aku excited banget waktu Cherizza nujukin foto Milo & Milky -2 anjing peranakan Golden Retriever & Peking baru dia, yang masih umur 1 bulan! they are way too cute, and too lovely. and i can't take my eyes off of them. for real. hehehehe.

Cheri, Milo, and Milky :)

nah trus si Cheri crita, klo dia tuh dapet Milo Milky dari Tante Anjing. katanya si Tante Anjing masih punya 3! jadilah aku, Ujang, ma Bitchy langsung excitedly maksa-maksa si Cheri buat nelpon si Tante Anjing buat minta 3 lainnya.
dan Tante Anjing ngebolehin! sayangnya smuanya cewek! *susah ngrawatnya..*
tapi yah.. kita udah terlanjur kesengsem sama Milo Milky, akhirnya ya udah mau-mau aja. hihihi.

Hari Minggu aku ngambil di rumahnya Cheri. she's named Roxy.
i like that name. so witty, and boyish. i don't like a girly name. so i think "Roxy" is quite representative as what i'm hoping to see in my dog's behaviour later. wekekekeke.

bringing Roxy home is a game of gambling actually. i hadn't asked my parents whether they would like it or not at first. hehehe. soalnya aku tau, klo nanya di depan, mereka pasti bilang ngga boleh. yang alesannya kotor lah, siapa yang mau ngrawat lah, rumahnya kecil lah.. banyak deh pokoknya. jdnya aku menyusun suatu strategi. hahaha. langsung bw Roxy ke rumah! klo mereka liat kan pasti langsung jatuh hati.. apalagi udah terlanjur dibawa. hahahaha.

tapi sayang rencananya gagal total! shoot. :(
bukan mama papa yang ngga' mau, instead, mama udah sayang juga sama Roxy. digendong-gendong, disayang-sayang lah pokoknya. papa juga.
justru mbakku yang histeris!
ya ampunn.. dia dideketin Roxy aja (ngga diendus ngga dijilat, cuman dideketin!) langsung triak-triak kaya' dikejar setan aja. super histeris.
aku sampe "ya ampun mbak PLIS! ga perlu sampe' segitunya..".
dan mamaku takut si mbak nti malah minta pulang klo ada Roxy.
pdhl mama udah sampe ngajak ngomong mbakku lo. *terbukti kan klo everybody loves Roxy! mamaku aja ampe "membela" gitu. hihihihi*
tapi tetep aja dia kekeuh "ngga mau! takut setengah mati!".
:*(
sempet sebel juga sih sama mbakku..
*so human ngga' sih?*
soalnya mslhnya cuman gara-gara dia. Y.Y

akhirnya Roxy aku kembaliin. dengan berat hati dan hujan airmata! hehehehe.
di mobil aku nangis terus.. abis Roxy pinter banget. baru bbrp waktu aja, kupanggil "Roxy Roxy!", udah noleh dan dateng.
waktu aku naruh kembali ke kandangnya, Roxy nangis. hiks3.
sampe' pas balik ke mobil aja aku masih denger dia nangis..
ya ampunnn.. gimana ngga' tambah deres aku nangisnyaaa? Y.Y

it was a very tearful night.
aku masih nglanjutin acara nangis-nangisan sampe' jam 10 malem. :(
baru setelah itu kerasa laper.. hehehe.

sekarang aku mulai ngerti bahwa inilah hidup. *ceilaaaaaa*
life is choosing.
dan aku tau aku ngga' mungkin mertahanin Roxy demi keegoisanku sendiri, dan membiarkan mbakku *yang udah setia mau menolong kami selama 5 tahun* merasa ngga' nyaman di rumah bahkan mungkin dengan berat hati nyari kerjaan di tempat lain.
lagipula aku ngga' mungkin bikin mamaku stress gara-gara mbakku keluar atau mengeluh tanpa henti gara-gara ada Roxy.

keputusan yang sulit dan aku sempet marah banget waktu udah sampe' rumah. aku bukan marah sama mbak, atau sama mama. aku marah sama keadaan yang bikin aku ngga' bisa berbuat apa-apa.
aku ngerti banget kok kenapa kok aku ngga' bisa plihara Roxy. ngertii banget.
tapi aku ngga' bisa memungkiri kalo aku juga sedih banget.
seperti kehilangan orang yang disayangi.

aku juga jd mikir, "mungkin gini ya rasanya kalau suatu saat orang-orang terkasihku *papa,mama, kate, opa, oma, lia, bear, nii-nii, sei, siapapun itu..* harus pergi, pulang ke surga.."
mungkin aku bakal nangis semingguan. hehehehe.
dan itu bikin aku jd smakin mau menggunakan waktu-waktu yang bisa aku lewatkan bersama mereka dengan maksimal, dan bikin mereka seneng. karena aku belum tentu punya waktu lagi untuk show them that i love them. so much.

hari ini Cheri bawa Roxy ke kampus. soalnya mau dikasih ke Ko Wewe.
wahh aku seneng bangett bisa ketemu Roxy lagii!
and it was totally awesome.
kami gendong Roxy keliling-keliling kampus, ikut kelas Fisika Bangunan dan Statika Bangunan.. pokoknya Roxy jadi bintang deh tadi! banyak temen-temen lain yang "wiii lucunyaaaaa... hii mau gendong poo! wii namae sapaaaa? cek imut'eeeee...".
hehehe.. dan kami otomatis ikut jadi bahan tontonan gara-gara bawa Roxy ke mana-mana.
aku jadi sok-sok motherly gitu lah. ngasih makan, ingetin Jerry jangn suka niupin telinganya, trus ngelus-ngelus Roxy terus.. hehehehe.

Roxy di kelas Statika. *disembunyiin dari jangkauan mata Pak Roy! hihi*

4.00 PM : Roxy capek abis digendong sana-sini.. Pinjem tas'nya Cik yaa buat alas bubuk. hihihi

Duh, Roxy jadi rebutan! hehehehe

ngabisin waktu seharian sama Roxy bikin aku sadar satu hal: Roxy has to grow older, and so do i to grow more mature.
ngliat banyak orang yang sayang sama Roxy bikin aku ngerti bahwa ngga harus aku yang jadi orang yang memiliki dia sendirian.
aku jadi lebih plong hari ini.
aku seneng ada Ko Wewe *yang apparently lebih ngerti gimana ngurus anjing kecil* yang mau ngrawat Roxy. dia tadi ngajakin kita beli kandang *eh di pasar hewan Bratang lebih murah jauhhh! di sana dijual cuman 150rb; di PTC 400rb; di ACE gila malah 800rb!! ati-ati ketipu! hehehe*, sama beli makanannya.
Roxy will be fine, and i have to be fine too. :)
masa' kalah ma Roxy.. hehehehe.

aku jadi bisa lebih menghargai Mbak Ni, yang udah rela dealing dengan kesulitan-kesulitan yang mungkin slama ini juga bikin dia jengkel slama bekerja sama kami di rumah. dan masa' sih kami sebagai ucapan trimakasih dan penghargaan, ngga' mau menghormati phobia dia yang bikin dia ngga' nyaman?
aku ngga' mau jadi cewe' yang ngga berprikemanusiaan. yang lebih rela mlihara anjing daripada "memelihara" hidup saudaranya sendiri.

seneng rasanya hari ini.
bisa ketemu Roxy lagi, ngabisin waktu sama dia, dan yang trutama: bisa melepas Roxy dengan hati tenang.
oneday kalo udah saatnya mungkin, i will find another "Roxy".
when the time comes, bakalan ku kasi' nama Lilo aja ahh.. hihihi. ;p

Pepeng sayang sama Roxy

Bitchy juga..

apalagi akuuuuuuuu...

KITA SEMUA sayang sama Roxyyyy... :)

take care ya, my baby girl.
i love you so much dear. :)

bye-bye.. :)

and to all of you,
have a great night!!
*smooch*

fun day out

2008-10-20T05:09:00.000-07:00

hari ini asik banget! :)
aku sebenrnya ada jadwal kuliah dr 7.30 - 9.30, trus lanjut 9.30 - 11.30, trus sambung lagi jam 13.30 - 15.30.
cuman ternyata seharian kita ngga kuliah smskali! padahal masuk kampus loh!

critanya gini.. pagi-pagi abis turun dari mobil mau ke gedung P, aku liat abang yang jualan bubur ayam!!! aduhh.. tuh dia tuh udah lamaaaa banget ngga' jualan semenjak liburan idul fitri. jelas kangen lahh!
bukan ma dianya, tapi ma buburnya. enakk banget.. mana murah lagi. aku suka bangett..
tp tuh abang bener-bener nda niat jualan. masa yah, dia tuh pernah pas kita mau beli, tiba-tiba dia bilang, "ohh ngga bisa nik.. udah tutup".
"loh bang kan masih banyak gitu lo buburnya?"
"iya tapi udah tutup"
"loh kenapa?"
"soalnya mau pulang"
hahahahaha.

akirnya aku punya ide buat ngajak NAPI escape dr kelas Tinjauan Desain pagi itu *oh yes i'm a bad girl* buat makan bubur sebelum bapaknya keburu pulang.
dan mereka setujuuuu... :)
setelah absen kami smua pada ngacir ke bawah. beli bubur, duduk di kantin P, and nggosippp.. hahahaha.

semestinya ada kelas Fisika Bangunan setelah 09.30 itu.. cuman ternyata kelasnya ditiadakan!! wuih.. double happiness...
kita akhirnya make' jam itu buat pergi ke UBAYA. ngumpulin Business Plan yang udah jadi *kita ikut lomba Entrepeneurship loh di UBAYA.. wuih keren ngga hayooo.. hihi* sambil nemenin Pepeng ketemu gebetannya.. hahahaha.

duh tapi agak malu-maluin pas di UBAYA. kita super cupu. pas naik bis *dari parkiran ke gedung kuliahnya*, kita sok-sok ala turis gitu nunjuk sana nujuk sini..
"wik wik teman liat en ta.. itu lo gdunge psikologi.. itu tmpte ceceku loh!".
ato klo nggak, "ehh ya ampun itu loo seng namane depot victoryy.. katane kokoku enakk cakk"
oshyeee... sampe' diliatin org2 di bis lainnya.
ehh udah gitu ya.. udah rame-rame, brisik-brisik kampungan gitu.. kita tu ga tau mesti turun di halte mana!!! soalnya ada beberapa halte emang. lah kita aja ngga' tau mau ngumpulinnya di mana.. akhirnya aku langsung suruh bitchy cepetan tanya ma org di sebelahnya tmpt sekretariatnya UNIC *lomba'nya* itu di mana..
si bitchy malah refused. katanya dia ga mau harga dirinya jatuh gara-gara ketauan cupu -ngga tau tmpt sekret UNIc di mana. hahahahah.. jadi akhirnya ya dah kita malu-malu gitu nanya sm sopirnya..

di UBAYA kita sok-sok main amazing race gitu.. nyari-nyari tempat makan.. wandering, trus sok-sok nyapa sana sini.. hahaha. and we took picturessss... :)

mumpungg di UBAYA. kapan lagi ya ngga.. hahahaha.

sok-sok kaya' Gossip Girls. hahaha

Trus pulangnya kita makan siang.. abis di UBAYA ga ada kantin enak. coba di petra.. wuihhh bertebarann.. hihihihihi.
mau makan siang aja.. pollingnya tuh repot bangettt. dasar NAPI. apalgi si Jerry yg slalu ala anak SD. "pokoke aku podo mbe Pepeng!".
jadinya polling'nya mesti diulang berkali-kali gara-gara dia super menyusahkan! =.=
setelah berganti keputusan berkali-kali *ya HokBen lah, ya Kantin P lah..* akhirnya kita memutuskan makan di McD! Horeeee...
we spent couple hours of time di sana, nggosip-nggosip.. gilagilaan.. sampe akhirnya lupa klo udah jam setengah 2!!! waktunya kuliah Statika Bangunan..
yahhh.. bolos lagiii dehhh... hahahahahahaha.
jadi intinya seharian kita di kampus tuh percuma!
wong isinya cuman makan-makan.. jalan-jalan.. nggosip-nggosip.. rame-rame.. lah sudah pokoknya NAPI banget lah. hahahahaha.
but the most important thing.. we had that precious togetherness.
kami blajar untuk tetep stick together meskipun itu cuman buat kepentingan 1 anggota gank aja. kapanan Jerry ngajak lomba lari di parkiran P. *yah.. gini ini NAPI. sodok aneh emang kegiatan-kegiatan'e.. aku juga kdg swt kok isaaaaa ae arek-arek ini nemu ide cuplis cuplis kaya' gini*
katanya dia lagi banyak masalah, makanya mau lari dari masalah.
hahahahahaahaha.. dasar aneh. tapi ya udah.. akhirnya kita lakoni bareng.
crazy, insane, lunatic.. whatever you may call it.. tapi itu demi Jerry. :)
we can't help to solve the problem.. but we can stay beside him anytime he wants to.
meskipun NAPI kadang malu-maluin.. tapi that's the smallest thing i love about them.
hehehehe.

so i went home on 3, and took a nap. i really need to lay my head on the pillow since i didn't feel so well these days.
waktu bangun aku pasang CD'nya Brian Littrel yang udah agak lamaaa ngga pernh aku dgr lagi..
di track 2 pas bagian refreainnya,
"I wish I could be there..
My only wish is to see YOU face to face,
wish I could be there.. just to see YOU, Jesus face to face..".
unconsciously i dropped a tear.
I miss HIM.

it's been a long time semenjak aku ngga pernah lagi meluangkan waktu buat saat teduh, buat doa syafaat.. ato skedar menikmati waktu tenang with GOD.
beberapa keputusan-keputusan hidup yang akhir-akhir ini aku ambil semuanya just based on my own mind; dan ngga' lagi i lay it down His feet for the joy of the LORD.
all is based on my own happiness.
and i know i went wrong.

aku sempet "crash" sama ketua bidangku di Pelma tadi pagi. dia commented tentang bergabungnya aku di redaksi majalah BEM.
he said i'm overloaded.
dan dia mau nunjukkin arti pemuridan yang real, gitu katanya.
tiba-tiba aku cuma mrasa terkekang.
aku merasa dibatasi.
aku merasa dia ngga' punya hak buat "marah" sama aku untuk stiap kegiatan yang aku ikuti.

dibesarin di keluarga yang liberal dan demokratis, aku terbiasa buat ngambil keputusan sendiri, make my own mistakes, and clean up the mess by myself.
papa slalu bilang bahwa aku masi' muda.. i may do anything i like, aku berhak ambil keputusan yang aku rasa benar.. dan aku diijinkan belajar dari stiap keslahan-keslhan yang aku buat.
so i do that.
papa bukannya "nglepas", tp dia cuma mau aku bljr jalan sendiri..
dia percaya sm aku, dan dia tetep play his role dg slalu ngingetin bhw "km inget ya ce, aku ngga' akan bisa nglarang km nglakuin apapun yg kamu mau.. aku nglarang pun kamu ya isa backstreet.. so i give you this trust of mine. take it seriously.. do what you like, do what you want.. but always remember: kamu bakal harus mempertanggungjawabkan smuanya ini nanti di hadapan TUHAN once you meet HIM."

and i know that.
i never take his trust for granted.
jadi aku cuma ngrasa, kalo papaku aja free me untuk aku taste every moment in my life, why does on earth my kabid forbid me to do that?
kadang sulit juga mengingat dia itu "atasan" yang juga pny otoritas di atasku untuk aku hormati, dan dia rekan sepelayananku..
aku juga tau klo dia ngga bermaksud jelek sm aku..
tp it's just like he's walking into my territory and i kinda dislike that..
what do you guys think? hehehehe

i'm so up to a deep thought tonight, jadi kayaknya malem ini saya mau menghabiskan waktu dengan sdikit bermello ria..
seeking for HIS face and mercy..
hehehehe..

have a great night ya''l!
*smooch*

late night thought

2008-10-19T06:49:00.000-07:00

finally, the hardest part is over. at least for now. :)
evaluasi desain II baru aja lewat, and i spent 21hours making up that project. legaaa rasanya.
masi' ada evaluasi III, tapi at least udah bisa nafas sebentar sekarang.

beberapa hari ini everything good comes in and leaves smiles in my life.
it's hard not to face the day with my deepest smile to start with.

i found something that is quite unpleasant in somebody's FS profile; telling me something that quite made me upset for a while.
i was just thinking, a person who has nothing to figure out about me; how could she dare to say those bad things about me?
then i spent couple hours to take a comfy seat and letting myself be drowned in Dee's words. and then i realised that this is the world we live in: it's nothing without any war.
even with the simplest thing. hatred.

it's not that easy to put what that girl had been saying about me away in a second. i'm a sentimental girl and i love to stay in those mindful thoughts and mellodramatic situation for quite while. hehehe.
but then i know i have a choice:
to let her ruin my mind and confidence;
or just let her draw her mind freely wander in any thoughts about me she could possibly think and just pay no mind about that at all and keep the heck on.

so i chose number 2.
she has her own life; and so do i.
and what's mine is NONE of her business at all, and vice versa.
so why should i spend my precious time and energy just to think about a person's saying that is nothing a part of my life?
that's stupidity.
:)

i had a relax weekend, and a lovely one.
so here's the new thing:
i'm close to someone who is so kindhearted, nice, thoughtful, and adorable.
and he might be one of the x-factors i have to make my days seem to be brighter.
and i'm glad to have him here by my side.
the best part couldn't be told here. but i promise i will do that. anytime soon. it's just.. not now.
:)

i finally got the Laskar Pelangi Soundtrack and that is SO NICE!!!
teach us to dare to dream.
but not just the message inside that makes me fall so much in love with this song,
mostly because of what is screened within my mind when i listen to this one.
that scenes of the movie itself.
a remembrance of Lintang, Ikal, Bu Mus.. and those wonderful kids when they were playing on the Belintong Beach and claimed themselves as Laskar Pelangi.
a monument of time of bravery to reach their dreams; no matter how sceptical others may see it.
the song delivers a personal childhood spirit to me.
and that song sings more than just a tasteful melody to my ears, but also the wonders of life to my heart that is perhaps long have been quite forgotten to me.

i feel energetic, and i'm ecstatic.
and i'm too ready to expect what will be brought to me as a new day awaits before my eyes.
i fear nothing more.
the past, the pain.. they're so over.
oh yes i'm a product of them; but i'm not their prisoner.
i'm a freeman.

and let's face the new morning with what is everlasting and pleasant : a hope.
and a smile. :)

have a great sunday night, dearests.
*smooch*

P.S. check my FS account, and you'll be served by the most enchanting Indonesian song for couple minutes; Laskar Pelangi -Nidji.
and to you-know-who-you-are, thanks for the companion, the joy, the laughters, the happiness, the late talks, the thought sharing, and the love you've brought to my life.
you helped me to dare to dream again, and to set a hope for my future.
and the utmost: you show me that i am worthy to be loved. :)

apologize

2008-10-11T07:33:00.000-07:00

today's been such a tiring one.
my mind was so full with lots of things needed to be done as soon as possible.
i somehow feel like i just need a place to scream out.
>.<

it's been quite a long time i didn't show up in this blog.
i'm having my mid-term exam now, and it's been quite occupying my time; oh and the D.I. 1 project evaluation due on this Thu.

i think about too many things these days. everywhere i go, anytime possible, i easily let myself drowning in those mindful moments.

well, somebody can figure it out for me what is really happening through my life?
beuh..
i feel so tired.
i miss my hols.
:(

what happens to me?

2008-10-02T09:58:00.000-07:00

it's 12 AM now, and i can't sleep
i have to wake up at 6 the next morning, and i can't sleep
i get fever now, and i can't sleep

what should i do?

my mind is filled with thoughts of Lia, past, death, D.I's assigments, tomorrow's schedule, my starving tummy, my bangs, my face, chicken porridge that i miss, and the worst of all : love.
*crap*

suddenly i start thinking of all the "love" that's come into my life.
the most occupying is of course the love from the boys.
and i arrive at the point that love is a lie.

feel like i'm in the playground love.
played around and being a ball of laughters.

i slowly entrusted myself to move on and opened my heart for another new love.
i thought i was quite succeded.
but tonight, i found myself once again hiding and pulled back the traces i'd been printing on.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

i'm too scared to be broken again.
too frightened to have to pick up the pieces of my heart alone again.
too scared to cry again.
too frightened to believe in love again.

i'm now lost.
i think i REALLY need some sleep to get me better.

*isn't there somebody who wants to stay all night long with me waiting for the morning to come?
i'll be so much pleased.. *
Y.Y

tuesday

2008-09-29T21:33:00.000-07:00

i've just finished washing the dishes, and i think it was a nice thing to do.
hahahaha..
sambil nyuci-nyuci tadi aku jadi wondering, "kapan ya i will do this for my own family?" hahaha, that would be nice eh? ;)

this is the second day of hols, and i delight every day passed.
hari ini rencananya mama mau ajakin nonton Laskar Pelangi; film adaptasi dari novel Andrea Hirata yang *menurutku* bagus dan cukup mengkritisi kondisi edukasi di Indonesia sekarang.
pemerannya anak-anak yang masi' lucu-lucu dan produsernya ngga bisa diremehin juga: Riri Riza & Mira Lesmana.
speaking of children, kemarin waktu dalam perjalanan ke TP, ada 1 anak perempuan yang jualan koran nawarin korannya lewat jendela sisi driver.
waktu dia ngasih korannya, aku senyum ke dia. dan dia bales dengan the sweetest smile i'd ever seen!!
duhh.. rasanya ya waktu ngliat anak cewe itu, aku pengen turun trus ajak kenalan dia, dan ngobrol-ngobrol banyak sama dia.
she's beautiful. dan right at the moment aku bisa sayang sama dia. :)
i think i should find her again; give her something which is my own, to remind her that i care about her. :)
agak awkward ya? hehehe.. but i think i'm a typical girl yang gampang kesentuh sama social-issue like that.

aku bener-bener menikmati hari-hariku skrg ini. considering kalo aku punya banyak "cool" jobs to do *such as: portoflio D.I, essay estetika, posters & pins design, and a remembrance klo aku now a journalist!* bikin aku jd smangat buat do my best.
belum lagi aku ngabisin hari-hari liburanku dengan kegiatan-kegiatan yang menyenangkan sekali *seperti banyak makan dan lewat tol-tol tercantik di Surabaya*; bener-bener bikin i feel like i'm the luckiest girl ever on earth! hihihi.

skrg tanggal 1, dan ini hari ulangtahun Nii-Nii ma Odie!
i thank FS karna mereka udah bikin application yang bikin kita remind ulangtahun-ulangtahun temen-temen terbaik yang ga boleh dilupain. hahaha.. kdg agak mengganggu sih tuh reminder, cuman.. dipikir-pikir bagus juga. ;)
oh ya ini juga hari Nopek ke Spore. :(
padahal belum smpt kluar sama dia..

i think i need to buy a new organizer yang vintage, classy, warnanya coklat kulit, trus kertasnya ivory gitu.. hahaha. to pump up my daily life dan help me organize and remind everything that is neccessary to be hold in mind.
that would make me look a lil bit professional. ;)

i should take a shower, get my body dressed, and be ready to catch the movie. ;)

have a very good day y'all!
*smooch*

hello hols!

2008-09-27T01:56:00.000-07:00

i'm more than happy to announce that i finally got my HOLIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*yippieeeeeeeeeeee....!!*

oh, that feels like a drop of heaven's gift is lying upon me *and i can smell the magic now.. ehehe*.
everybody is happy.
i asked around Napi yesterday what they felt to see the holiday is now in front of the eyes. and they just like melancholically answered, "it's unbelieveable..". hahahahaa.. they're such a drama king and queens!

i went to PTC last night to celebrate it. it was a really great night; not to mention that i love going out around west surabaya city. they got more entertaining places to visit, and lots of tasty restaurants to have some cooks in.

the excitement is going higher as i caught that Eclipse had finally been published!
i'd been waiting it for quite long time; keeping my hands off taking out the money from my purse to purchase the english version -that was really tempting!.
i decided to wait until the Indonesian verse is out because:

1. i want to show you all that i'm nasionalist : i love Indonesian language -okay this one is.. totally mumbo jumbo. haha.
2. i want to understand as deep as i can what's been typed carefully inside. and it's making me a lot easier to feel the story written if i use the mother language. i don't wanna miss a thing. ;)
3. the price is much cheaper than the English one. hahaha..

well, it's weekend now.. and i'm so much wanting a spoonful of chicken katsu curry rice of Goota.
i didn't know how, but my tongue suddenly tasted just like that.
Olive is going out the town -to Situbonbdo; back to where she is suppossed to stay hahahaha. and now i get no companion to enjoy the night.
everyone is going to Bali, Tretes, Jogja.. anywhere as it's far from this stressful city.

i'm starting to think the holiday isn't as good as i firstly thought.
*oh crap..*

have a good weekend!
P.S. anyone happens to feel bored and urgently need to go out somewhere fun; bring me! save me! i'm 100% available tonight.. hahahaha.
*do i sound pathetic? ;p*

*smooch*

the holiday

2008-09-24T08:43:00.000-07:00

i don't know it before that when you're getting even closer to what you really long for, there'll always be a ticket to buy before you reach it straight to the point.
in this case, i'm talking about my holiday.

gosh! i got TONS of assigments before i end this week laying back and get relaxed.
and those all come together all the way in a rush.
:( why this happens to me.. hiks.

it doesn't mean that i hate the assigments, literally.
i like it. i love being able to absorb more and more information i didn't know it before. it's one of the advantages.
but sometimes they're just too much. that makes me depressed.

i'm urged to make an essay about Aesthetic Philosophy. defined by lots of sophists and philosophers such as Aristotle, Plato, Baumgarten, Aquinas.. and many more. and the score of this project will be marked as the mid-semester exam point. so it's quite difficult to not finish it excellently.
again, konstruksi bangunan is still waiting on the line. we are about drawing rencana atap, gambar kerja potongan A-A, gambar kerja potongan B-B, completed with the notation, material, and drawing line.
i like konstruksi bangunan. *remember it when i told you about Hermawan and the civil fellas who helped me a lot to pass the test?* i like it when finally i'm able to understand the structure of a bulding was sclupted.
but drawing it all on a piece of A3 paper isn't that easy. they're somekind of confusing.
and i need to finish it all before Friday.
a day before i *at last* enjoy my hols.
*crap*

ehm, Napi is scheduling a one-or-two days of fun in order to celebrate the start of our holiday.
hehehe. that is neccessary i think.
since we all are so much dying for it.
so the plan is:
we will go wildly out after the Fri class is over. so it's suppossed to be strated around.. 5 PM.
we're out downtown, have a great dinner, sing some songs *karaoke -it's such a relief!*, take bunch of photos *we quite often making some moves and poses these days, and just click the button and freeze our insane moments*, and just wandering to find some laughters.
according to what is scheduled, we will end up in my house: stay all night long and sleepover.
so the next morning we are able to make our own breakfast, and learn some cooking tips and get fresh.
i really wait for that day to come.
there'll be thousands of fun there. :)

the executive summary is on the semi-final list!
we did it! make it all the way to go one step further.
i can't believe it. hihihi.. :)
it's fun to learn something different and new, and it's glad to know that we're capable of it *apparently*.

i had a good day today. i got B for my desain mebel evaluation, and i should gain more ++ to make it straight to A.
this soon-to-come long hols will be the right moment to fix it all that.

i will spend my whole day at campus tomorrow. from 07.30 AM - about 10.00 PM.
finishing the assigments. what else? :X
i hope we can find some tasteful dinner to pump up the spirit. hiks..
wish me luck. :)

nighty night!
*smooch*

past, and who lasts

2008-09-22T07:11:00.000-07:00

i still not hear any recent update from Tim.
i wonder whether he has arrived yet. O.o

Hmm..
hari ini rasanya PUAS banget!
smua kerjaan selesai dan.. i think it is all well-done. :)
aku ndengerin Tinjauan Desain bicara soal Art Nouveau, Art & Crafts, dan Art Deco dari awal-akhir with no distractions. malahan sempet diskusi sama Lisa & Mbok.
Wah seneng rasanya bisa blajar sejarah seni rupa tadi. bener-bener classic era is so cool, dan amazing banget!
trus, tadi juga bisa ngikutin Dies Natalis Petra sampe' habis. rencananya sih tengah-tengah acara aku mau kluar, soalnya mesti asistensi sketsa alternatif mebel sama Pak Rochmad. eh tapi ternyata dia masih stay di Petra sampe' jam 4.
jadi aku bisa nyanyi dengan tenang tadi.
banyak yang bilang penampilan PSU jelek hari ini. :(
aku juga krasa gitu sih..
pertama, banyak yang ngga' bener-bener buka mulut! entah ngga' bisa lagunya *yang emang asli susaaahhh... ketukan'nya ganti-ganti terussss*, atau emang karena males nyanyi.
pokoknya tadi tuh suara lirih banget, ngga' ada support sama sekali dan itu yang bikin jadi ngga' ada "greget"nya.
kedua, karena beat'nya yang gonta-ganti *dari 2/4 trus jadi 5/4 trus jd 4/4 trus jadi brapa lagi.. ugh pusing!*, jadinya tadi ambil nadanya ngga' barengan. ada yang keduluan pas di not gantung, ato malah ada yang kelambatan..
aduh pokoknya kaco!
dan banyak yang ngga pernah ikut latian, trus tiba-tiba nongol di Dies Natalies tadi. jadinya ya gitu.. kaco.
mereka ngga' ngikutin prosesnya dari awal sampe' akhir soalnya. jadi ngga' ngerti celah-celah mana yang memang kita mesti ekstra aware.

walopun gitu, i think i did good tadi. aku sama Yuve nyanyi lumayan kenceng dan.. mulus. hihihi.
yah moga-moga aja ini efek ikut 2 vocal class sekaligus. hahaha, kalo ngga'.. rugi deh udah bayar mahal.

asistensi lancar, ngerjain tugas D.I ma D.M hari ini juga lancar..
yah overall saya puasss banget nih hari. :)
kayaknya senengg gitu.

aku tiba-tiba inget kotbahnya Pak Paulus *iya guru agama Manyar kita!* kemarin di gerejaku.
dia bicara soal masa lalu. ngena banget.
*maklumm.. lg bergumul dan berdamai dengan masa lalu.. hihihi. jd bawaannya kesentil mulu.. wawawaw..*
dia cerita mengenai kekhawatiran ngga' bisa over dr masa lalu yang pait dan nyakitin.
trus dia kasi' ilustrasi..

ada seorang bapak yang udah umur 50an, dan dia tiba-tiba ditanyain sama seseorang soal memori dia pas masi jaman SD.
well, sambil lupa-lupa inget tu bapak jawab.." ehm.. yaa.. dulu.. waktu SD.. ehm.. bapak nakal banget dek.. cuman nakalnya gimana yah.. aduh pokoknya mbetik gitu lah.. bapak juga udah lupa.. udah lama banget!".
gitu juga dengan memori kita yang skrg kita anggep "penting" dan "bermakna".
klo in my case, mungkin ini soal masa laluku dengan mantan. hihi.. *aduh kok tiba-tiba malu ya*

untuk skrg aku bingung banget dan ngrasa bahwa this memory is like pain in the as*.
akan selamanya di sana, dan ngefek ke hari-hari depanku, dan aku bahkan ngga' yakin bisa get over it or not.
tapi Pak Paulus bilang,
"seperti itulah "masa lalu".. baik yang mau kamu lupain secara sengaja atau ngga'.. dia akan lama-lama tertimbun oleh hari.
memori itu akan selalu ada di sana.. hanya saja, seiring berjalannya waktu, semakin banyak hari yang udah kamu lewatin, memori itu akan "tertutup" dengan memori-memori baru lainnya dan ngga' lama kamu akan sadar bahwa.. km sudah lupa. dengan sendirinya.."
"bisa ingat lagi.. tapi hanya sebatas histori. tidak lagi dengan segala perasaan, atmosfir, atau degupan hati yang pernah ada dulu..".

dan terakhir dia bilang, "kita memang produk dari masa lalu kita,
tapi kita bukan TAWANAN dari masa lalu kita..".

dan waktu aku denger itu langsung kaya' "jleb".
"iya yah..".
skrg smuanya terserah sama diri sendiri..
mau terus-terusan membiarkan memori menyakitkan itu jadi layer paling atas *ciehh.. kaya' photoshop aja ada layer-layer segala.. hihihi* dan "menawan" kita buat menapaki masa depan baru,
atau justru membiarkan dia tetap di tempat seharusnya dia berada dan "menimbun"nya dengan hari-hari dan memori-memori indah baru yang bikin masa depan jadi lebih cerah?
kalo aku sih, pilih yang kedua. :)

life is just too short buat dilewatin dengan penyesalan.

aku pernah menyesal emang; tapi that's just a part of my life. that is what i call "normal".
dan sekarang, aku ngga' mau menyesal lagi gara-gara ngebiarin diriku blaming on myself terus menerus dan feels guilty tanpa henti.
i forgive myself, and i move on.
kata Ce Nania, "kalo mau berdamai sama orang lain, harus berdamai sama diri sendiri dulu!".
buat aku, berdamai dengan diri sendiri juga sama artinya dengan berdamai dengan waktuku.
dengan masa laluku, dan masa depanku.
juga hidupku yang sekarang ini. :)

masih suka sedih kadang.. apalagi kalo lagi sepi.
tapi kaya' lagu buat recital nanti,
"when the dog bites
when the bee stings
when i'm feeling sad
i simply remember my favourite things..
and then i don't feel..
so baddd..." :D

and my favourite things are:
mereka-mereka yang sudah mau masuk ke dalam hidupku, dan ngga' pergi lagi..
mereka-mereka yang udah mau sayang, nerima, sabar, tahan, dan support aku gimanapun keadaanku saat itu..
mereka-mereka yang selalu punya waktu, dan selalu ada kapanpun aku butuh mereka..
they're just the best thing i've ever had.

kalo inget bahwa aku punya mereka,
rasanya jadi bisa tetep senyum walopun saat itu lagi nangis..
tetep mau maju lagi selangkah, karena mereka udah mengulurkan tangannya buat aku untuk menggandengku menjalani satu hari lagi dengan penuh harapan..
:)
*jadi kangenn..*

buat Amalia Pratiwi, Eugenie Lei Setiawan, Timotius Wibowo, Simeon Theojaya, Liem Soe Lan, Olivia Petrina Awondatu, Michelle Valerie, Albert Yuwono, Sherly Setiawati, Felicia Tansajaya, Lianggono Susanto, Cherizza Gloria, dan Go Peter Jeremia..
makasih karena udah jadi "mereka-mereka" buat aku..
I LOVE YOU ALL.. <3

lonely night

2008-09-21T08:00:00.000-07:00

it's good to have the executive summary of UBAYA business plan competition we joined into finished right on the hand.
i didn't take quite much part of the making, but..
still, i feel so happy and proudful of it.
:)

i had a really great weekend last night.
well, not only the night, but also the whole day.
that was the nicest weekend i'd ever had during these stressful months.
i started my good day by taking my vocal class with Ce Eve, and i got the good news: i was actually to be standing on the first line of sopranos.
WOW!
can you guys believe that?
i was the alto, and now i'm moving to 1st sopranos?
i couldn't believe that..
but i'm glad to know it indeed. hihihi..

life was getting much better as the sun rising higher.
i met some of friends, met my kons.bang tutor and enjoy a little time delighting talks with him, and had a yummy kwetiauw for my lunch.

the class after was quite fun.
it was ergonomi.
we measured our own bodies' dimension, and had tons of laughters.
it was a fun thing to do! i really enjoyed the noon.

and so the rest of the day was spent by going around surabaya-sidoarjo. hahahaha..
had my dinner at G-Walk, walking down the pedestrian, talking about nothing in particular, and enjoyed the speed of night down the highways.
that was really nice. :)

i was so.. satisfied. :)

i suddenly feel a little bit lonely tonight.
i don't know why.
again, 2 of my friends just got broken because of *again:* boys!
and i felt so sad because of that.

if it's good to be in love, why should you hurt the one you love?

the more i think about it, the more i'm frustated.
and it feels uneasy to me.

i don't wanna go sleep tonight, i think.
it's a good night to be spent by doing some works.
hehehehehe..

well, 1 week more and i'll be enjoying my holiday!
ah~.. just can't wait till it happens for real. :)

nighty night!
*smooch*

nighty night

2008-09-19T05:25:00.001-07:00

i'm about to change my blog skin into a new fresh one.
but i still love this one: it's lovely, simple, and personal. i love those three hearts at the top of the page *all drawn with three different colors of each* and i like that falling-stars cursor which suddenly reminds me to Tim's complainment speaking of that thingy.
hahaha.. it annoys him, he said.
in contrary, i think it's cute. ;)

i've been wilfying around for the last couple hours, and i found too many things that is totally cool.
i checking back on Dee's blog, and i caught a really cool scoop: Rectoversa.
newest hybrid artwork of her that is completed with two: words, and music.
that's is conventional and i was like saying to myself, "this is the best gift for myself, i'm gonna have it!".
so i clicked on the official site to check out more of that, and i found myself typing data that is needed to confirm when you're deciding to buy something online.
gosh, i did it! hahaha..
i can't stop imaging to hold those artworks soon, and let myself fly away into daydreaming nowhere land, and get a laid-back little hours.

i suddenly realize since i was into the 3rd semester, i was quite busied around that i didn't have a time to relax and enjoy my self. i mean like doing things i always love to do, or just allow myself to sleep in whatever hours.
ehm, it wasn't that bad actually.
yes i can still do those, but underpressure.
and that's not a relief.
not much, to be saying it fervently.
so now i'm starting to miss my holiday. hff..

i'm looking forward to their reply *the Dee Production customer service*, to get some info about the CD and the book, and see the next steps i must do to have those cravings in hand.

i browsed to Nani's DA *an old webbie i haven't visited for like ages*, and i found a cool quirky male jakarta-ian graphic designer stuck on her page.
i checked on him right away, and i was blessedly amazed.
he rocks. :)
i love the way he makes up his portfolio in red. that is so eye-catching and remarkable.
by the time i was thinking how about moving myself to that kind of major anytime soon?
hahahaha.
i seem to be more enjoy the time i spend doing some graphic design than the interior ones.
but that's it.
it was just a sudden thought that blobbed and now's been gone.
i need to be straight. hehehehe..

i love this night because i have quite much time to lay back and get rested for a while.
tomorrow class will be started on 1 PM, ends on 3, and so i have no deadline to be urgently finished tonight.
i've been planning to do some more sketches for my furniture design, but let's see in the future wheter i will do it or not. i just want to have a quick sanctuary a little bit. :)

tomorrow should be good. i'll wake up at 7, get prepared, go to my vocal coach's house to have some vocalizing, move on to campus, do some neccessary stuffs, meet my konstruksi bangunan tutor to finish the drawings, get into the ergonomi class, have some little fun of chitchatting with fellas, and back home.
i'll arrive at my "basecamp" approximately on 5, then push myself so hard to get back work.
hahahaha..
well, that's what i'm facing up since i am proclaimed as an Interior Design student:
weekend = the best time to finish your postponed assigments; and a bad choice if you spend it for going around the town -you'll just be dead the next day.

that's quite pitiful. hahahaha..

oh i can't believe it that Tim's going to be back to Seattle tomorrow!
hiks..
we just met up several days ago, and it was too quick, and too short.
and i have to wait for another 3 months just to see his face again. oh crap. :(
i'm waiting on his appearence on MSN tonight, but dosen't seem to show up anytime soon.
so let's hope. :)

well, have a great day y'all.
enjoy your weekend night.
*smooch*

Test of Life

2008-09-19T05:25:00.000-07:00

i did great on my test today.
and i was proudful of that.
:)
it wouldn't be like that if i hadn't got the chance to see them last night.
those "civil-engineering" fellas.
they were the ones who was really amazing.
i couldn't be more thankful to have them in my life.

last night as i finished my tiring day at campus, i ended up breathing by being stuck in V211, trying so hard to pay big attention to every single drawing i got there about "Pondasi-Atap-Planfond".
mata kuliah ini, Konstruksi Bangunan; sebenernya bisa dibilang nyenengin.
aku seneng bisa akhirnya ngerti tentang reng, gording, kuda-kuda, pondasi batu kali, blah blah blah lah..
cuman bapaknya tu lo. dia tuh nerangin ya ngga' kaya' nerangin.. kaya' ngomong sdnri di depan malah! =.=
jadinya pelajaran ini ngga' menarik!
mana jam'nya dia tuh slalu bentrok dengan jadwal latihan PSU.
PSU mulai jam 10, dan ni kuliah baru slesai jam setengah11.
aku males banget kalo mesti dateng telat di latihan. pertama, bisa ngga' kebagian partitur. kedua, pas masuk trus orangnya dah banyak.. itu males bangettt kalo diliatin orang sekampung gitu. ketiga, ketinggalan 30menit itu lumayan bangett.. bisa sama dengan ketinggalan belajar 1 lagu.
jadinya aku sering bolos ni mata kuliah.
abis lebih belain PSU lah daripada ini. hihihihi..

tapi setelah akhirnya "ngeh" sebenrnya mata kuliah ini bicara tentang apa *ya gara-gara belajar sama anak-anak Sipil kemarin*, aku jadi mikir 2x sebelum mutusin untuk bolos lagi minggu depan. i think i'm gonna like this class. :)

malem di UKP kemarin bener-bener bikin aku thankful ngga' berenti-berenti. dan.. bener-bener rasanya tuh terharu banget.
aku kenal anak-anak Sipil itu gara-gara sama-sama tergabung di kepanitiaan. dan yah selama ini aku cuman ngira bahwa hubungan kerjasama seperti itu ya gets warm waktu kami ada keperluan, dan balik menjadi "biasa-biasa" aja setelah urusan selesai.
tapi ternyata ngga' kaya' gitu.

waktu kemarin aku minta Hermawan ajarin soal atap, aku baru ngliat bahwa dia tuh bener-bener total waktu ngajarin. bener-bener kaya' "ayo cris, kamu mesti bener-bener sampe' ngerti.. ngga' gitu tes'e ngga bisa besok". so dedicated.
padahal loh, aku ni ya bukan siapa-siapanya dia. lagian aku juga udah gede. kalopun aku sampe' ngga ngerti pada akhirnya, ya bukan salah dia lah. ya aku aja yang bego ngga' ngerti-ngerti.
tapi he took it as this was his responsibility. kalo sampe' aku ngga' ngerti, dia bakalan cari cara gimana supaya aku akhirnya ngerti.
padahal aku cuman minta tolong aja. dan ngga' perlu sampe' segitunya, mnurutku.
slama ini aku ngrasa kalo kita nolong orang, tetep kendali terbesar ya di orang itu.
pokoknya kita nglakuin apa yang kita udah usahain, selanjutnya ya tanggungjawab dia sndiri.

tapi Hermawan ngga' kaya' gitu.

dia nolong seakan-akan dia sendiri ada di posisiku.
sampe' kemarin tuh dia manggilin 1 lagi anak Sipil yang katanya "master", buat ngajarin aku supaya aku ngerti.
what the-?
that was just too much! aku bahkan ngga' pernah berpikiran sampe' sana. can you guys understand what i mean?
aku cuma minta tolong diajarin. kalo ternyata dia ngga' bisa, ya udah brarti aku harus usaha sendiri dong gimana caranya supaya aku bisa ngerti. kan ini urusanku.
tapi Hermawan like bener-bener "guard" me supaya aku bisa pass my test besoknya.

dan aku ngga' pernah nyangka..
dia sebaik hati itu.
aku kenal dia cuma karena aku ni anggota divisi acaranya dia. dia koordinatornya.
dan kami baru kenal ya gara-gara ada kepanitiaan ini.
tapi lewat kemarin malem, aku jd mrasa seolah-olah kami itu udah kenal lama. gara-gara dia nolongin sampe' kaya' gitu.
mana ada sih org yang baru kenal mau nolongin sampe se-total itu?
dan Hermawan ngajarin aku satu hal:
bahkan ketika kami cuma "kenalan" gara-gara ada "job", kami sudah resmi jadi yang namanya teman.
dan entah bagaimana definisi kita masing-masing mengenai arti seorang "teman" *teman kerja, teman "mek kenal-kenal tok", atau apalah..*, yang namanya teman ya tetep teman.
layak dibantu, layak dihargai, dan dipedulikan sejauh yang kamu mampu.
that's what friends are for.

dan sekarang aku jadi lebih menghargai apa arti seorang teman. sesederhana apapun dinamika hubungan kami, seorang teman bukanlah lagi seorang stranger.
dan mereka ada di tengah-tengah jalan kehidupan kita, bukan cuman buat punya-punya'an aja, bukan buat nunjukin seluas apa pergaulan kita, bukan buat untuk "cuma" disapa aja kalo' ketemu.. tapi untuk menjadi bagian dari hidup kita, untuk menjadi "saudara" baru yang layak dapet perhatian, kepedulian, atau bahkan kasih.

aku suka banget lagu UKM hari ini.
No Greater Gift.
diambil dari 1 Korintus 13.
intinya, "apapun yang aku lakukan, sehebat apapun aku di mata orang.. if i have not love, i am nothing at all..".
dan itu bener banget.

kurasa orang menghargai kita dan respek ke kita bukan dari seberapa tenar atau hebat atau "wah"nya kita. tapi karena seberapa dalam kita sudah menorehkan sejarah yang manis untuk dikenang di dalam hidup mereka.
dan kemarin malam, temen-temen Sipil itu sudah bikin "sejarah" yang bener-bener bikin aku bersyukur boleh punya temen-temen kaya' mereka.
they are amazing.

special thanks to Her, Yensen, Oswyn.
You guys rock. :)

confession

2008-09-17T10:37:00.000-07:00

it was just a day of fun.
well, it should be, at first.

but a rough stone of unknown came to my night unexpectedly. and it distracted me for a while.
i was about ready to type down what i experienced in a whole day, and it just popped up down my desktop bar.
a sudden message from a past, telling me that it was a mistake to let me know the whole thing's up right now.

i was lost. i didn't even know what he was talking about.
did i do something wrong again?
did i make him upset?
or what?
my heart beated as fast as it usually did everytime i got into trouble. i hate that feeling. i hate being caught into this circumstances.
but i didn't have any chance even to ask "why".

i was so honoured to finally be able to listen to his sharing. i never thought we could have a good relationship like this, at last. it was like faraway from what i had expected before. and i was glad, even when sometimes it was hurt also.
but the joy to be having a chance to be around him, just never can't be replaced with the other thing like a mello-hurted feeling.

i just don't even know why i could be like this.
Pipi told that i was a fool to be grateful instead of murmuring that i got an opportunity to know and hear about his new one.
but i just didn't know how i could be like this.

i admit that sometimes i just wanted to cry. just longed to tell him that i was broken. and his presence still linguished here.
and i missed him in a thousand ways, remembering when i was his own.

but that is totally useless, i know.

all i do will never can replace an image he's been settling down about me.
in my own imaginary, i was like being stopped on a single path.
i can't go back to rewind my past, and i was too scared to move forward.
everytime i go somewhere with a boy *accidentally; or when it was urgently needed* alone, i always realize that i am not ready to start any new courtship yet.
that will be awkward.
it's like.. they *the boys i ever went out with* aren't "home". like stranger. and i couldn't stand with that..
i'm too scared to start something new.. to learn knowing someone from zero, to let myself being owned by someone.
i can't..

so i'm stuck here. :(

i can't erase this feeling. well, at least for now.
and i think the best way is just to let it be there.
until it goes away by itself.
i can't push my heart too hard for the next time.
to urge her to forget, but in fact she's not ready yet.

so it's better just like this.
to keep it as long as it can be kept. to memorize every single thing that is nice.
i just want to make him a sweet memory of mine.

i always love a single sentence Sierra said in Baby Love comic *i love this so much!*. it was simple, yet deeply meaningful.
"though i know the one i love never expects my presence, but i'm sorry.. i just can not stop loving him..".

it's so difficult, i know. sometimes i let myself down for a while. just like the last entry i posted before this. hehehe..
i know it's not easy. but it's just the best i think.
i just want to see him happy.
i'm tired of hurting him several times.
i just dont want to make the same mistake as i did in the past.

and slowly perhaps..
i will learn how to fly. :)
someday..

*smooch*

a smile worth a thousand words

2008-09-16T03:40:00.000-07:00

another Tue is almost over, and i'm thankful that i got a chance to pass it with a deep smile.

i feel so good today because i drew my bathroom layout perfectly; i love the way i made the stones for the shower tray, and i just couldn't believe that i could colored it in detail and shaped it nicely. i thought i was a really bad painter. :(

Mrs. Mariana gave so much inputs to design a good both bathroom and bedroom, and i think i should make some changes or revisions to make my design into a perfection. it will take quite much time surely, but i'm glad to know that the next evaluation will be held after we get some Idul Fitri hols. we're gonna be off for a week, and i should use that precious time to do my assigments and "jobs".
speaking of holidays; well.. Napi is planning to go out of town for a day, prolly that will be going to WBL *again*. hahaha..
we just want to have some fun. these days really have been such a stressing ones. lots of assigments, lots of works.. lots of problems. and i assume a day of rest will be good enough to start a new week of doing assingments.

i finally met Ko Anton, PR of BEM to show him my poster for YM. he did a lot of corrections which some of them weren't that neccessary, i think. i need to redesign it for the last time before printing it, and.. pity me, my desktop is just incapable of loading high-memory design *no enough space of RAM*, so i begged my dear uncle *Nana* to lend me his laptop tomorrow. hahaha.. i'm finishing it at the campus. no other choice. :(

today's vocal class was quite fun. Mrs.Lia taught us the use of focus in singing. we should make some noise like chicken, and it was just so funny and silly! hahaha.. but i'm glad i can finally sing at last! :)
i'm about to song "My Favourite Things", taken from a popular musical film The Sound Of Music. the beat is quite fast, and the simple lyrics makes me cherish in a glance of time.
i will be singing in front of many people alone for this song, and it's somekind like.. the test. recital.
oh crap.. i don't know whether i'm good enough to perfom it or not. i'm so shy even just to think about it!
Mrs. Lia said that it was just the very 1st step. there would be more steps to take to sing a song perfectly. and she said: there will be a time for that. now you learn this one first, okay?

i remember how difficult for me to arise by myself from my pain. watching and listening to every single word my ex told me about his "newbie", i couldn't even know it how to cry. i was like a zombie. i was heartless. it was broken into pieces, really. but i know i just have to be strong a little more.
then i suddenly got it what Mrs.Lia meant.
there's a time for everything.
perhaps it's just the first step for me to learn how to let go.
i was so distracted to find a "new home", to make me comfort, to seek for a "safety", to find an image of shield.
but i know it's not the time yet.
it's not my time to learn to be falling in love again. not yet.
and i will patiently waiting for my heart to be ready to open up, someday perhaps.

ehm, i think i urgently need to reschedule all my time. this Thu i will be busied by the Messiah meeting that will be held from 6 PM - 9.30 PM. and i'm having a test for the next day, and i don't know when i will have a chance to study. :(

but right now i'm so excited. i want to jump around. it's like i'm having full energy. hihihi..
my life isn't always running smooth, but i have perfect companion who walks with me everyday, everyhow, and everywhen:
Lia
Ce Jeans
Tim
Olive
Pepeng
Bert
Liang
Ichang
Ujang
Gopet
Cik
Eka
Pipi
Nopi
NiiNii
Ko Yensen
Yuve
Ko Ruben
Ce Fani
Daniel
Ce Fanny
Sei
Cuyax
Nana
PaoPao
Darwin
Nia

....

and i'm so glad to know that the list is still long enough to be filled with thousand names.

:)

have a wonderful night.
*smooch*

delightful one

2008-09-15T03:46:00.000-07:00

i love blogging. well, at least for now. hahaha.. XD

i just got back from school *erm, it's 05.50 PM now*, had my shower time, and stopped in front of this desktop again.
i really had a great day!
i finally got back what had been lost for several days: a warm relationshp with my lovely Napi. :)
ugh.. i couldn't believe our friendship started to back to normal again. that was such a relief. :)

we talked, we laughed, we ate together, we gossiped, and we took too many photographs *at last!*. i became the one who was behind the camera, and did smile a lot. watching every single move my dearests done that was definetely silly and funny.

i just enjoyed my day so much. the ice between us was slowly melting, and i felt the warm drop of the sun. and all those circumstances were helping me in a particular way to be wholeheartedly giving, and purely shared without asking a return. and i called it miracle. :)

but i didn't pay attention quite much to what my tutors said. i attended the classes, but i just got lost. my mind flew away to nowhere and i just simply put those earphones inside my ears and listened carefully to the music played.
i didn't have enough willingness to put some concentrate today, and i didn't know why.
but fortunately, i understood some of the summary the tutor gave, so i just need to copy my friend's notes and study it in a quick.

i was so excited to know there was suddenly a text message delivered to my phone; sent by Pak Sam -one of the member of Petra Chorale, offering me to be one of the team of Creative Division for the next Petra Chorale Concert : Messiah.
i couldn't be more ecstatic to hear that new "job", even i jumped around in front of Liang, Cik, and Ujang. i was just so happy. :)

i learned too many things today, and i was so glad.
i met many friends, got many nice things to hear, and i enjoyed this day so much.
it's like everything was undercontrol.

the rest of today will be spent to finish another assigments: interior design I, furniture design I, and.. the posters i should make some editing on it.

but that's OK, i will do my best. i'm energetic now. hahahaha..
bless me to do it perfectly.
:)

*smooch*

nightcrawler <3

2008-09-14T08:38:00.000-07:00

finally i'm done with tomorrow's assigments!
smuanya udah beres.. :)
posters: checked.
classical architecture paper: checked.

fiuh..
akhirnya. :)

meskipun masih harus kerja (nyicil) tugas lainnya (desain mebel, desain interior, denah layout), tp at least yang deadline besok udah selesaiii.. :)

bener-bener hari ini a blessing buat aku.
pas tadi asik-asik kerja, tiba-tiba Hermawan *koor acara KBCku* SMS bilang dia udah ada pulsa, dan kami ngomong-ngomong sebentar. hahahaha..
aku ngga' tau kenapa kok kepanitiaan kali ini lumayan membekas. :)
padahal aku tuh ngga kenal sama sekali sama panitia-panitia di sana, pada awalnya.
wuih yang aku kenal bener-bener saat itu cuman Yuve. dan aku bener-bener ngrasa outsider.
tapi setelah rapat eval selesai, aku ngomong sama Yuve, "Yuv, bakalan kangen juga ya begitu panitia ini bubar..".

aku salut sama Hermawan. dia hebat. dia ngga' cuman nglakuin tugasnya dengan baik (banget), tp dia tuh juga care banget sama anak-anak anggotanya.
wah, aku bener-bener ngga ngerti gimana caranya mesti say thanks sama dia karena dia tuh memaklumi banget tiap kelalaianku. :( dan tetep kasi' smangat.

trus tiba-tiba juga Ko Yensen dateng bawain mooncake. *wah mooncake!*
tapi datengnya tiba-tiba BUANGET! aku masi' pake babydoll, with bang yang dijepit ke atas dan bener-bener pas dia nelpon bilang udah ada di depan rumah aku langsung yang kaya', "WHAT???".
masa nemuin orang pake babydoll sm rambut acak-acak'an gituuu.. :X untung aja aku dah mandi! heheheheehhe...
he said that he read my latest posting before this one, da tau aku sendirian di rumah jdnya dia came up.
aduhh.. trimakasi sekaliiiii... hihihi. walopun cuman beberapa menit, tapi that means a lot for me.

trus tiba-tiba juga Mbok sms, "cris, mau tugas tinjauan desainku ta? ta kirim lewat email ya ap?".
wuaaaa... mau banget!!! aku bingung banget ngerjain tugasnya ini kya apa modelnya. dan Mbok tiba-tiba nawarin gitu!
baiknya.. :)
aku jd inget soal giving tadi. hehehe.. :)

hah.. untuk smua hal yang udah terjadi tadi sore, aku bersyukur banget. bener-bener blessings tuh ngga ada habisnya. :)
ada juga SMS dari Liang, dari Ko Adi yang encouraging, juga comment Ce Ellen.. dan message dari my dearest Pipi.
smuanya itu bikin bener-bener semangat!

ahh~ jadi seneng deh masuk sekolah besok! hihi.. :)
pake baju apa yaa enaknya biar lebih cheer uppp... *wondering*

night-night all... <3

sunday passion

2008-09-14T03:39:00.000-07:00

i still wonder why i get upset so easily these days?
:(

all the member of my family is going out for dinner at Prosteak tonight, except me.
i am all alone *again* here, to finish my jobs, and dealing with my own melancholic self.
and that makes me quite "sensi".
i have to be imprisoned here, trying to be nice to my new companion: assigments -what else, and have nothing to eat padahal di luar sana yang lain pada enak-enaknya makan steak. hikss... :(
i hate this.

ah! tapi pagi ini jadi pagi yang lumayan fresh buat aku.
as i woke up this morning, what i simply remembered was that i ended my last-night with GOD.
finally after several time canceling my personal-touch with Him, i got back that moment again.
as i touched the tip of my computer's power button, i took a laid-back sit and opened my bible again.
and what was written inside is all about "healing process". and i was heavenly delighted.

the next moring i received a message from Tim, a message of encouragement and support *he read the latest post of mine and sent me that text* and i couldn't help it to thank God because of him right after i finished reading it.
i still empowered to slowly walk on my path; those words suddenly filled my restless mind.
i wasn't ever being left alone. not even in a milisecond of time.

i still couldn't put away my grief because of hurting my freinds' hearts, and so i watched carefully every little thing happened within my day to see what i can learn and change.
as i arrived at the church, my dear little Kevin drew himself a little closer to me and greet me warmly, "morning cecee..~ ", he said.
"morning Kev.. ", i replied with a smile.
"do you want some candies?" he asked politely.
"oh, that will be nice. can i take one?"
"oh, you can take it as many as you want, cece.."
"why are you so kind, Kev?" i asked curiously.
"because i have a lot heree.." he answered merrily and showing a pocketful of candies that he got inside.

the time stopped as i realized what i had just learned. giving.

i sit carefully, browsed on the weekly bulletin of my church and suddenly got a gentle slap. i found an article titled "Giving Won't Make You Poor".
and as i kept on reading, i heard that gentle voice i'd been missing for a long time, mostly charming.
i remembered my tutor Ce Mariana, or the head of spiritual centre of Petra; Ko Cuncun.
two dear examples that i had who showed me the joy of giving and sharing all that they had.
they're happy to see when others get something from them.
words of wisdom apparently came in a line, "giving enriches you, and the more you give, it's just the more you will get".

in this competitive life of interior deasign i am in, it's not that easy to just share all you have even when it has to be given to your own friends. all the knowledge, infromation, skill, or some crucial tips are so much neccessary to keep you on the highest stage of score. and when you share it, you get the possibility to be removed from that position because it means that someone has got more precious "treasure" than you got, and so he reaches the top.
you guys get what i mean?

that's scary.

but i can see a little bit of the real world from this case. when i hit 20 and be ready for a professional job, that's what i will face for real.

i'm grateful to know when Ujang and Pepeng called me to have some of photos of tomorrow's assigments. they're cool with me, at last.
and when i received the call, a voice came up and say gently, "share it..".

Napi is still on the track of competition. kami mencurigai satu sama lain, secara diam-diam dan tanpa disadari.
and i'm so unhappy to see it.

i accidentally opened my inbox and scrolling it down randomly, and found a message from Viky days ago. it came from 1 Timothy 4 : 12.
"dont let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity."
set an example. that's the main key i think.
i can't change the world without changing my own self as the first step.
the next road will be tough, but i'm glad to know that it is a process allowed for me to experience.

when i was ready to go home, my other little sisters came on my way.
Fong-Fong and Hanny. they're the sweetest students i have ever had.
they're just about 6 or 7, but they are so nice.

Fong-Fong greet me and gently circled her arm around my waist and dearly said, "ceceee.. please don't go home...".
and i just couldn't help it to smile and to hold her back.
"i need to go home dear, i've got plenty of works to do".
Hanny interrupted, "cece will we meet tomorrow at Ce Eve's house?".
"no Hanny, i changed my schedule on Saturday..".
"i will be missing you..", she said and surprised me.
then both of them left.

i tidied up my stuffs as was ready to move when suddenly Fong-Fong came around again, and just passed me on and shouted in a glimpse, "cece i love youuu..".
:)
i couldn't believe how ordinary miracle came accross and still existed in my daily hectic and stressful days.
they might not understand so well what they were just saying or doing toward me, but one thing i know: they are the blessings of my life.

i am now here: once again setting up a plan of what-to-do for the next 7days, and prepare some energy i may need so much.
there are still many problems, distractions, personal melancholic soliloquies, or troubles waiting on my way, i know.
but they just can't stop me to be stronger each day.

and as i gaze my sight upon the starry night, i realize i'm blessed with too many heavenly gifts i often forget, mostly what is called friends.
they're my stars that light up.

i've been failed, but now i arise again.
:)

happy sunday!
*smooch* -the macha syrup has been removed. you simply may have one of my sweet kisses now. XD~

alone and on

2008-09-13T08:27:00.000-07:00

i've just got back from mall *finally i'm out and have some fun today..*, and here i am now.. sitting in front of my desktop making up some words of my day.

the hours after i typed the last post didn't run smooth and good as i was firstly expected before. a call dropped from one of my Napi, and told me how i've been such a bitch these recent days.
i know for some days i've been leaving my Napi for like forever, and wandering around campus by myself fixing some stuffs such KBC, Pelma's, or YM.

and i was focusing on my own need with no heart of caring to look after them; to share some tips or knowledge i usually did, or just to remind them what the tomorrow's assigment is.
and they got upset because of that.
and i'm a handful-opened to be blamed because of that.
i've been too egoist, self-centered and madly obsessive.

and i'm not proud of that.
i was so naive to be focusing on what i must reached *a high score* without remembering whom i am walking with.
friends, and not enemy; mostly rival.
i've failed being such a good friend.
and i'm afraid there's no such a thing as what is called the second chance.

i don't wanna lose them.
and i don't wanna be such a bitchy friend.
i just want to be a blessing.

i had a couple talk with Ko Yensen today, and one thing that i deeply learned:
life is all about a learning process.
i am just frightened i couldn't be a better person. :(
i fear it the most.

i had a great weekend night. :)
to be finally finding myself walking around the mall, catching up some eyecandies, greeting new books, and ate my favourite macha red been ice syrup were totally awesome.
oh and i finally bought Andrea Bocelli's Amore. :) the one i'd been dying for so long.
i was giving my own self a gift : a personal therapy of mine to cheer myself up. hehehe..

i had laughters and smiles quite much, but when i arrived at home.. watching all my family fell asleep, i became alone and quite mello once again.
i don't want this to happen, but it's not just that easy to fight it all alone.

i found out that loving someone wholeheartedly without asking to be being loved in return is not that easy.
it demands possession.
and love is nothing without take and give.
a heart is ever tired to be giving all time without taking, and vice versa.
it's 2-sided communication.

and for the first time ever, i feel tired of doing such a thing.
Lia was damn right.
she told me the exact thing.

perhaps i should just move on, and tell myself, " just don't give a damn on him anymore.. he's no longer of your bussiness">
then i'll be alright..
well.. let's hope.

*no smooch -the macha syrup is still stuck on my lips. and i'm enjoying it byself. no sharing. i'm a lil' bit selfish from now on. hahaha*

short messy updates

2008-09-13T03:06:00.000-07:00

it's 05.10 PM on Saturday afternoon, and i'm just doing nothing but jotting and putting all those words within my mind, and twist it like forever.

today has been such a sunny one, and the drops of the golden sun were just as hot as hell.
i got upset easier, and i was suppossed to buy a mini fan to cool my brain as soon as it's possible.
once again, i feel like a mess.
i ruined my days, and i didn't do what i ought to do perfectly.

i skipped many classes these days, getting lazier to do my assisgments, and i just didn't know why. i found no reason.
i blamed on that hot weather!
they were suppossed to be much cooler these days since i so much needed it.
but they just didn't. pathetic me.

i am glad another one-week has finally been over. it's time to take some rest, and start it all over again. for the next two-weeks before i will have my mid-hols *finally!*.

i am faced on two crucial problems *in my own terms, i call it crucial* : friends and school.
i joined quite a lot of committe lastly, and everytime i had a time to break within a day, i took it to do some meeting, or rehearseal, or anything related to those.
and i missed many time having lunch or just sticking together with my dearests.
and now i feel like i lost them already.

noting down every single obsession of mine, i'm all about going wider and well-known at the campus, and reach the high-score of GPA.
and unconsciously, those wishful dreams slowly dragged me away from what i was suppossed to be : friends.
i suddenly had no idea what they were talking about, what their plans are after finishing such a hectic day *we were used to go out somewhere to return ourselves back to sanctuary after a day stressing out in that boring studio.*, or what the newest photocopied paper edition they got in file.
i'm lost, and i'm all alone.
a single fighter and a loner.
and without any particular purpose to say it all over again, i hate this circumstances.

i couldn't be in a perfect way to describe you what is on my mind and type them orederly right away.
they are just so chaotic, and popping up evidentaly and they are dizzy.

in much simply way, i may say that i need such a detour to just lay back, close my eyes, find my spirit, and do it all over again.
fixing all what is ruined and broken : uni-life schedule, assigments waiting in order, daily ritual, and the utmost -social life.

As I turn to lie on my back, repositioning my rigid body, I vigilantly reflect the whole lot I have done today.
i'm getting to know myself much better than before, and find that i am easily distracted when i get busy.
or just in a short way: i leave something precious within my life easily; value it lessly, and just starring on hopelessly when it's finally gone out of my sight -at last.

it just that's it : i'm starting a new life now.
i'll promise myself to do right away what i need to do, being much more selfless, caring, discipline, and just.. be cool.
whatever the weather may come. hahahaha..

i'm excited to know that Tim's home after such a long make-me-jealous journey to Europe, he finally got back.
it's good to know he's here again. hahahahaha..
but pity him, i was quite like care-not and i feel so much guilty because of that.
*i'm so sorry Tim.. we were talking on MSN this afternoon right? hihi*

i couldn't believe it: to be spelling out numerous words just like this can even help to make my day much better than the 50-minutes before. my fingers are rested to every letter and i am now quite ecstatic.

i still get too many assigments to do: YM posters, 4-5 interior layout sketches, everyday furniture sketches, and another 5 colonial chair sketches completed with the materials, notation, and finishing product.

mentally i am overwhelmed by those. but i just can't avoid it to say that i'm as high-spirited as a newborn. :)

well let's just hope for the very best! :)

P.S. : i'm thankful to see the name "kev13n" finally popped up on my messenger, he was like lost for ages.. and now found again! hahahaha...
and also grateful for every single care that nopi, eka, ko adi, tim, ce ellen gave to me by their one-two words left in comment.
i'm thankful for what i have. for you guys, and for everything.
i hope it's not just too late.

happy saturday!
happy weekend!
*smooch*

what a day :)

2008-09-12T04:08:00.000-07:00

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars—points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

- Edward Cullen, Twilight

aloha! :)
unlike yesterday, i feel so happy today!
hihihi..
i change quickly eh?
hehehehehe

the very first reason is because this afternoon was the first time in this year i saw the rain!
i always love seeing rain. watch the raindrops falling slowly down the earth, and feel the freshness.
it's like.. a new hope is coming all over again. hahaha..
saking excitednya, tadi sampe' cepet-cepet SMS Nii-Nii bilang klo aku seneng bangettt ini gerimis udah turun. hahahaha..
rasanya gimana ya.. bisa wonderfully looking at the window of the car, and.. can't stop smiling. hehehe..
the rain this afternoon, really delighted my rest of day. :)

wah hari ini akhirnya selesai juga rangkaian acara Kopma Bussiness Competition. hari ini seminar yang jadi puncak acaranya.
kami ngga nyangka pesertanya bisa mencapai 300 orang lebih. atau mungkin lebih tepatnya, aku yang ngga' nyangka. hehehe.. awalnya pesimis sih, tapi ternyata.. it was all beyond what was expected. :)

aku sempet kelimpungan pas acara mau mulai. soalnya di saat yang sama aku ada rapat pleno Youth Movement juga, dan aku bagian koor pubdekdok. :( mana anggotaku ngga' bisa dateng smua lagi.. haduh, jd tadi sempet bolak-balik audit-EH.3 beberapa kali sampe' capekk.. =.=
cuman akhirnya smua bisa undercontrol. well, at least buat hari ini. hehehehe..

akhirnya aku ngga' ngapa-ngapain di seminar tadi. awalnya si mau jd timekeeper, tapi terus di switch jadinya aku duduk di barisan paling depan dan bantuin kasi' hadiah aja. hahahaha.. lega juga sih, abis aku ga pernah jd timekeeper. ntar klo i ruined it all gimanaa.. bs takut banget akuu.. T.T

aku duduk sendirian di pojok barisan, dan tiba-tiba aja aku ngrasa uneasy bangettt..
it's like im lonely.
smua orang pada ngmin hal-hal yang aku ngga' terlalu bisa involved, dan kondisi itu bikin aku ngrasa bener-bener jadi outsider.
aku sampe' pengen nangis tadi *hahaha.. lebay yaaa..*, aku ngga suka feeling itu tadi.
sampe' akhirnya buat feel better aku SMS Napi, aku bilang aku kangen banget sama mereka.. and i was alone there.
ternyata mereka lagi asik-asikan main2 di UKM Dekor katanya. aduhh.. bikin aku tambah "huaaa".. T.T pengen balik ke P langsunggg..

aku ngga' ngerti juga knapa tadi bisa kaya' gitu. asli! bener-bener pengen keluarrr aja. aku bener-bener ngerasa sendirian.
di tengah-tengah kurang lebih 350orang itu tadi, i felt lonely.
and i hate being lonely. :(

tiba-tiba aku jadi nyadar bahwa gimanapun juga, ngga ada yang lebih baik dari temen lama.
emang sama Napi sering ga enak-ga enak'an gitu.. tapi the most important thing, walaupun aku nyebelin dan kadang mereka juga nyebelin, tapi we still stick together. staying still. no matter what.
dan aku tadi juga belajar apa yang namanya jadi ngga' manja.
bisa dibilang yah, di kepanitiaan KBC tuh yang aku kenalll banget tu cuma Yuve, sama Kiki.
lainnya cuman kenal ya gara-gara kepanitiaan itu aja. dan kalo aku ditaruh di suatu komunitas yang full of strangers gitu, i always tend to find someone homy. seseorang yang familiar buat aku, dan aku bakal stick with her/him terus. hahahaha..

dan aku tau oneday aku mesti "kluar" dari pola pikir seperti itu. it's time to face the world. karena pada akhirnya kita semua sendirian.

walaupun aku ngga' suka being there tadi, tapi thankful dan lega juga karena akhirnya ada yang ngajakin aku ngomongg!
Ko Yensen akirnya buka mulut juga.
tapi kata-kata pertama yang dilontarkan malah, "I've failed".
he is the head of the committee, dan dia ngrasa gagal waktu kasi' kata sambutan.
aduhh.. aku sempet bingung juga sih.. mukanya dia tuh sampe' yang kaya gimanaa gitu. kaya' udah abis ngecewain orang banget gitu lo..

padahal ya, emang si dia kliatan grogi gitu pas di depan, cuman ya udah.. i dont think it was a big deal. hehehe.. toh orang sebentar juga lupa.
aku juga pernah ngalamin kaya' gitu. gagal di depan banyak orang. dan itu rasanya wuihhh.. ga enak banget.
dan bener-bener kayaknya.. ngrasa bersalaaahh banget, bencii juga sm diri sendiri.
tapi tiba-tiba aku inget, "rayakan kegagalan dengan satu kali lagi usaha".
I've failed sooo many times in my life, tapi aku juga bangkit banyak kali dalam hidupku.

dan kurasa, how naive and narrow-minded we are, if we judge our "captain" because of one small mistake the world would never even recognize?
hehehehe..
*buat Ko Yensen -you're reading on this right?: cheer up! hehehehe.. we remember you not because of what you mistakenly did, but for what you've greatly done throughout this event. so.. stay cool, dude.. and be happy! :) -bok pasang lagu-lagu mello lo Ko. hahahaha.. put some beat on, and have fun.. :D*

eh do you guys notice the quote Edward Cullen says above?
bener-bener bagus ya?
aku dapet dari blognya Nopi. aku baca Twilight tapi yang bahasa Indo, dan ternyata inggris versionnya lebih meaningful kata-katanyaa!
hahahahaha...
i wonder brapa banyak ya cowok di dunia ini yang bisa ngomong something deep like that?
yang ada kebanyakan skrg gombalism. :(
eh tadi abis selesai seminar aku sama Yuve ngobrol-ngobrol soal cowok.
hahaha the hottest topic girls ever dying for.

kami berasumsi bahwa cowok kebanyakan jaman skrg tuh slalu mikir "modal" mereka itu pertama: uang.
mereka pikir dengan uang tu cewek-cewek pasti kagum dan respek sama mereka.
aku jd wondering, dengan begitu berarti mereka juga udah ngerendahin intelektual kaum cewek juga dong! bayangin aja brarti mereka kira kami ini matre gitu? -.-
trus yang kedua: achievement.
mereka kira kalo mereka punya "nama", good jobs, kedudukan, atau dihormatin orang.. otomatis kami juga bakalan respek ma mereka..

barusan ini ada 2 temenku yang putus, dan kurasa pihak cowoklah yang ngga' tanggungjawab, walaupun ngga menutup kemungkinan temen-temen cewekku juga ikut andil.
tapi dari situ aku tau bahwa sedikit banget ada cowok-cowok yang bisa bener-bener menghargai apa arti hati seorang cewek.
aku ikutan sedih dan marah waktu tau kedua temenku itu putus.aku bisa ngrasain sakitnya.. ngga dihormati dan disayang seperti sebagaimana mereka seharusnya.

1 hal yang cowok-cowok sering lupa: true love.
dan kadang itu yang bikin aku males dan takut buat falling in love lagi.
ngliat realita yang begini.. rasanya frightened buat "ngasih" hati ini ke cowok lagi.
iya kalo dia bisa jaga dengan baik, lah kalo harus broken lagi?

yang lalu aja buat ngembaliin serpihan-serpihan hati *ceilaaaaa...* butuh waktu 2tahun. itu aja belum smua. :(

yah tapi gimanapun juga, bersyukur juga aku punya temen-temen cowok yang pantas dikagumi ke-gentle-annya. hahahahaha..
they set a good example dan sebuah arti yang "dalem" tentang being a real man.
merekalah cowok-cowok yang pantas dihormati.
and i hope ngga' cuman mereka, tapi aku bakalan ketemu cowok-cowok lain yang juga sama, bahkan lebih.
:)

ngga krasa udah weekend! senengnya besok bisa ke rumah Ce Eve buat vocal class.... YIPPIE!!
eh tadi pas kami latian PSU, udah mulai masuk lagu Natal loh! ih ngga krasa yaaa... hahahaha..
abis gini konser natal lagii! :))
i always love christmas.
bener-bener peaceful!
hahahahaha..

ah udah ah udah kebanyakan ngomong. :X
i should go before you all gettting bored and fall asleep. hahahaha ..

have a greattt nighttt!!!
*smooch*

-special for Tim, NiiNii, Liang, and my beloved Daddy : thanks for showing me what a real man really means.

freaky thursday

2008-09-11T05:57:00.001-07:00

today has been such a tiring-some day.. -.-
and i feel like i'm messy.

it started smoothly and good today, but when it came to the mid-day, i didn't know when.. that "weird" feeling starting to come up.
after finishing all my "job" *briefing Bee, met Bu Suzan, confirming anything neccessary to Hermawan* i ended up with staying at selasar D along with Yuve and Alimin for such a long long time.
i was supposed to stay there from 10.30 until 12.30, but then i extended until 13.30.
i didn't know why i felt soo lazy to get up, and get back to my "home" : P.

after Yuve and Min left, i was left alone with Kiki. we talked quite much, and suddenly i went with the "Petra 2 memories" chit-chat.
"Ki, inget ngga' dulu pas istirahat ke-2 kita tuh sering duduk-duduk di depan 12A5 trus ngobrol-ngobrol sambil dengerin radio sekolah?"
"iya cris.. kangen ya.. :("

i miss my high-school memories. :(
it was a great great great 3-years.
many things *too many* happened, and many things i learned.

i was both falling in love and falling apart at the same time : my high-school time.
i found bestfriends and lost some both within those 3-years.
i had tons of fun and laughters, and also tears and frowns again on my high-school.
how could i ever forget?

and unfortunately, those memories quite occupied my mind for like a day.
i miss everything high-school :(

aku jadi males banget balik ke studio setelah jaga stand tadi, karna aku mrasa i was like a stranger di sana dan uneasy banget.
juga kaya'nya lemesss banget.
oh ya, aku berhasil loh puasa! hehehe.. cuman ya jadinya lemes banget tadi.
tau ga sih, pas jaga stand tuh Ko Hendrick, Ce Elisa, Kiki.. smua tuh nawarin Tongtji lah, batagor lah.. makan siang lah!
dan aku cuman bs jawab.. "ngga bisa makaaann... hiks3"
ampe mau dibeliin segala loh gara-gara dikirain aku ni ngga punya uang. hahahaha..
duhh pokoknya godaan terbesar tadi tuh hausnyaaa ga ketulungan!
apalagi yah tadi yang daftar di meja pendaftaran tuh rata-rata bawa minuman seger-seger smua..
ya ampunn.. jadi akhirnya aku konsentrasi nulisin kuitansi aja deh daripada ngliatin mereka-mereka pada bawa es jus, es milk tea..
ihh bikin ngiler banget! hehehehehe..

setelah kuliah aku ngga lanjut studio tapi malah "kabur" ke audit mo ngliat gladi bersih buat besok. nda tau kenapa aku males banget kuliah hari itu. bener-bener ngga ada semangat.
i really need some encouragement. :(

tiba-tiba Cik sms, katanya absennya dipanggilin sama dosennya sndri dan yang ngga nongol kena sanksi 50 sketsa!! ya ampun!! apes banget ngga sih? hihihi.. duhh...
pusing nih makanya aku. @.@

ini smbil online cari temen di MSN tapi ngga ada 1pun yang muncul. :(
pdhl lg pengen crita2..
ahh~.. jd wondering, ada apa ya sm hari ini.. @.@

P.S. : belum ngerjain tugas bestek sama poster buat besok! ohnoo.. -.-

Lipstick Jungle

2008-09-10T07:09:00.000-07:00

eh sampe' lupa! nonton Lipstick Jungle donggg smuanyaaa..

beneran tuh film baguss banget! serian sihh.. tapi cowoknya si Victoria yang namanya Joe itu lohh.. duh gilaaa.. the best man ever lives deh!!

masa ya, kan si Victorianya tuh lagi stress gitu gara-gara kerjaannya, trus tiba-tiba si cowok dateng ke rumah dia trus nanya, "km udah makan siang belum?"
trus dia bawa-bawain kantong-kantong makanan gitu..
isinya: lunch kesukaan Vic yang mereka maen pas di Miami. *skrg mreka bukan di Miami*.
trus Vicnya sampe kaget-kaget gitu..
cowoknya cuman bilang, "klo aku ngga bs ajak kamu ke Miami, then i'm the one who brings that Miami to you". ya ampunnnnnnnnnnnn...
hahahahaha..

trus ya, si Vic pernah tuh dia lg di Jepang dan stress banget karena ga dapet order. trus sambil nangis-nangis gitu dia telp cowoknya dan cerita-cerita gitu..
ngga sengaja si Vic cuman ngm, "i want to go homee.."
udah cuman gitu aja.
itu kan biasa banget buat kami para cewek.. ya udah cuman pengen manja-manjaan aja gitu loh, sbnrnya nda pulang beneran ya gpp..
ehh ngga lama *15 mntan* kemudian ada beelboy ketuk pintu hotelnya Vic dan bilang bahwa udah ada limo yang nunggu dia di bawah, yang siap anter dia ke bandara buat bawa dia terbang balik pulang.
OMIGOD!!!
hahahaha..

wah udah tipe cowok idaman lah tuh si Joe.
peka banget gitu lo..
ckckckckck...

nonton ya smuanya!
pada mupeng pengen punya cowok deh ntar smua.. hahaha

today :)

2008-09-10T06:36:00.000-07:00

hei hei heiii.. :)
aduh hari ini saya senang sekaliii...

ndak tau kenapa, pokoknya bersemangat gitu. hahaha..
jd ngga pengen tidur nih. hihi..
*aku aneh emang.. klo lg sedihh alias mello, ngga pengen tidur.. rasanya tidur tuh tambah bikin mrasa unsafe gitu. lebih suka menunggu pagi.. haha. tapi kalo lagi seneng juga ga pengen tidur! pengennya ngapa-ngapaiiinn terusss.. hihi*

hari ini kuliah cuman sebentar and i was so happy soalnya aku udah prepared dr kemarin malem. jd at least selangkah lebih maju lah dari yang lain..
trus abis gitu tadi KTB dapet banyak berkat!

kami tadi bicarain soal puasa. wah seumur-umur aku ngga pernah puasa kecuali klo mau check darah. baru tadi blajar ngerti dan.. it's like, "i want to do it..".
rencananya besok kami mau puasa bareng. dari mulai bangun pagi - jam 4 sore.
haaa.. kuat ndak ya aku.. hehehe. moga-moga aja deh.. soalnya besok kegiatan lumayan padet juga:
studio D.I dari setengah 8 - setengah 6 sore
trus jam 9an mesti ketemuan sama Bee buat ngomongin soal pubdekdok'nya Youth Movement, abis gitu langsung ketemu Yuve buat ketemu sama Bu Suzan, trus lanjut jaga stand sampe' jam setengah 1, trus lanjut kuliah sampe' jam 4 *kabur studio.. haha* buat gladi bersih sampe' jam 5, trus persekutuan bidang sampe' jam 7.

wahh.. hectic ya? hihi..
moga-moga aja kuatt.. makanya malem ini sblm bobok mau makan yg banyak lah biar dapet asupan energy. hahaha..

hari ini aku agak ngga' enak-ngga' enak'an ma Pepeng gara-gara salah ngomong. :X
well, i felt so much guilty tadi dan dia juga nunjukin bahwa dia ngrasa ngga' nyaman sama omonganku.
aku takuut banget klo sampe' ada orang marah sama aku, rasanya pengen deh cepet-cepet kabur trus pulang masuk kamar. hahaha..
tapi bener-bener grateful aku dapet temen kaya' dia. Pepeng ngga lama-lama klo marah, jadi tadi sorean dia udah sms aku lagi..
aduh senengnya! hahaha..
rasanya legaa banget dikasi temen kaya' dia, yang bisa memproses aku to be a better person.

i chatted with *him* today, di MSN.. dan i finally realized bahwa walaupun that *magic* feeling masih tersisa, tapi mungkin secara nalar.. i know he's not the one.
Ce Jeans kasi quote baguss banget buat aku, "When He brings you to it, He will bring you through it"> :)

seperti ilustrasi kami di KTB tadi soal Daud, aku juga ngga' bs liat what my future will tell. yang aku bisa liat skrg cuman "kapan ya bisa pulih dari luka-luka ini dan jalan ke depan tanpa beban lagi..".
it's not that easy to go through this phase.

tapi tadi aku spent beberapa waktu buat ngomong-ngomong sama Liang, Antoni, Hermawan, Ko Yensen, Arnel, Jojo, Daniel..
and then i realized bahwa masih ada begitu banyak cowok ever lives di dunia ini yang patut dikagumi. dan itu bikin satu alasan kenapa aku ngga' boleh stuck.

knowing that he has already moved on with his own life, bikin aku wonder "knapa aku ngga?".
feel free to be falling in love again, get back on the track like it used to be..
dan mungkin buat naikin semangat, aku inget kata-kata Lia, "klo dia ngga' fall for you, ya dia yang rugi lah! bukan kamunya!".
hahahahaha..
well, perhaps that is right.

sambil "menunggu" untuk brani jatuh cinta lagi, all i wanna do is be happy, be a real woman (yang smart, bisa masak, terampil, updated, loving, caring.. smua yang diperluin buat jadi wife yang berprospek deh.. haha), be energetic, be thankful, and be a blessing to everyone around me.

jadi daripada nungguin ada cowok yang datang dan bikin aku bilang "ahh~.. bruntungnyaa saya dapet nih cowok", mending preparing myself supaya waktu cowoknya dateng, dia yang bilang "wahh bruntungnya aku dapet cristaa.." hahahahaha...

P.S. : i want some "hols" tonight. ngga ngerjain apa-apa.. and enjoy my night. :)
aduh tapi knapa ngga ada yang online yahh.. hiks. jadi sepi.. :(

anyways..
have a nice night y'all!
*smooch*

after all this time

2008-09-09T09:50:00.000-07:00

aloha!
hehehehe.. it's been like ages eh? :P

i'm sorry for didn't show up like years. i didn't even have the chance to type one or two words here. been quite busy around. :(

kalo ngga' karna commantnya cuyax di FS, mungkin ni blog ngga' akan kusentuh sampe the next holiday. hahahaha.. males banget kayaknya.
pulang rumah udah malem, trus mesti kerja tugas buat besoknya, trus langsung save energy biar tetep bisa tidur at least 6jam per hari. hahaha..

aduh aku ngga' tau mulai kapan my life jd bener-bener hectic kaya' gini ya.. @.@
bukan gara-gara kegiatan di luar jurursan loh, justru intrajurusannya ini yang bikin bener-bener capek!
ngga' cuman capek fisik aja, tapi otak juga.
apalagi klo masalah programming, concept, analisis.. ga kelar-kelar. haduh.. udah kayaknya otak penuh banget!
eh, barusan aku chat sama bee, dia juga nanyain blog kok ngga ada update'annya.. hahaha..
:X

hmm..
tp gimanapun juga, i'm enjoying my life right now.
being single like this, and have plenty of things to do.
it's great for me to keep busy just like this.. well, at least i have no time for the "pain". hahaha..

sometimes waktu udah malem-malem gini, setelah semua "tugas" selesai, and i'm left alone with the night..
kadang masi ada celah buat balik mello-mello kaya' dulu, apalagi after knowing my ex is no longer "available". hahahaha.. *ngarep banget ya aku.. Y.Y*

cuman apa yah..
tiap kali inget seharian ini udah bisa ketemu banyak temen, trus adaaa aja kejadian yang lucu-lucu, ohh.. bisa nemu banyak eyecandies juga.. *hahahaha.. mumpung masi jomblo dipuas-puasin aja!*
kayaknya bener-bener bisa thankful..
it's like.. *bener yang jerry bilang* "when life gives you a thousand reasons to cry, show them you have a million reasons to smile".

:)

ahh~.. it's time to move on..
to be ready for another new love.. hahaha
*kok nyambungnya ke sini sih ya?*

tp yang paling penting skrg sih,
it's time buat bener-bener bertanggungjawab atas kehidupan *baik kampus, pelayanan, bahkan hubungan sosial* yang udah TUHAN kasi'..

kapanan waktu jaga stand KBC sama ko yensen *dia ketuanya*, aku jd nyadar gara-gara omongan dia yang bilang bhw kita tu masi hidup kira-kira 50tahunan lagi.. *kan rata2 umur manusia 70 ya gak?*, dan persiapan untuk menghadapi 50tahun ke depan tu ya 4tahun kita di kampus ini..
kalo ngga dipake' sebaik mungkin, modalnya apa dong?

ya emang sii ada orang-orang tertentu yg tanpa kampus pun mereka bisa sukses, tp itu tetep ga boleh jd excuse. :)

wah jd tambah semangat nih kerja tugas.. hahaha..

have a great nite y'all!
*smooch*

Bocelli

2008-07-27T22:32:00.000-07:00

i'm so addicted to Andrea Bocelli.
the very best male tenor singer the universe has ever had.
really, i'm not adding some euphorias behind.

and the amazing fact is that he's lost his sight since 12, and completely blind for now.
i can't imagine how come he sculpted such a great voice with no sight? that's so difficult. you can't see wheter your mouth has the enough opening so the voice won't get crack in your throat, and even you won't be able to read the notes. right?
but he made it.
he goes it all the way.

last night when i watched his Vivere concert in Tuscany *i didn't go to Tuscany of course, i bought the DVD record. hehehe..*, i was like.. "whoa"-ing all the time. i just couldn't put my eyes away from him.
the best part was he took Sarah Brightman *my favourite!* for two songs : Canto Del Terra and Time To Say Goodbye.
and they both really made a shot.

i wonder why don't they two get mearried? hehehehe, they look so sweet being together.
perhaps what is meant to be "just friend", should remain to be how it is supposed to be. and not ruined by another "further" steps.

hmm, i found this coolscoop:
HP tablet TX2500X.
a very yummy tablet for anyone who'is passionate about design.
it has it all!
AMD Turion X2 Ultra-Dual Core Mobile Processor RM-80 (2,1 GHz)
4GB DDR2 System Memory (2 Dimm)
Genuine Windows Vista Home with service pack 1 (64-bit)
Wireless LAN 802.11 a/b/g/n and bluetooth
250GB 5400 RPM SATA HD
8-cell Li-ion Battery
Super multi 8x DVD R/RW with 2 layer
fingertips security system
webcam
and ATI 3200 *something i forgot hehehe* VGA card

and it all only costs $1,403.99
with additonal disc $150, then you'll get more disc for $150,
so the total payment is only $1,103.99!!!!!

can you imagineee?
murah banget kann? :DDDD

mupeng mode on.
hehehehe

check HP official website to find out more. :)

have a blessed day all!

xxx
*smooch*

wedding

2008-07-19T23:26:00.000-07:00

hei there!

how's your weekend? you guys did something nice? or fun?
:D

i had a good night yesterday, me and some friends went out to dinner, talking about our next-trip plan *Trawas is coming soon! so YEAH!*, did some coolest photographs *oh i promise i will upload it all! ALL!*, and then shopping some needs for our vacation to Trawas.

it's nice to imagine that soon-to-come three-days-in-Trawas. I've been waiting it like forever to get out of town to have some nice hols.

kemarin pulang dari pergi-pergi, aku check blognya Dee *you can find her blog's add on my list right up above :)*, and i found this new interesting opinion and explanation of her divorce with Marcell, her for-two-years hubby.

"Dan pada saat itulah kami memutuskan untuk belajar berpisah, saling melepaskan. Jadi, masalah intinya bukan memaafkan dan memaklumi efek apa yang terlihat, tapi menerima bahwa inilah adanya. Hubungan yang kadaluarsa."

"Sama halnya saya tidak tahu persis kenapa dulu bisa bertemu dengan Marcell, menikah, dan seterusnya. Fate, atau destiny, menjadi cara manusia menjelaskan apa yang tidak bisa dijelaskan. Perpisahan pun sama hukumnya. Meski sepertinya keputusan berpisah ada “di tangan kita”, tapi ada sesuatu kekuatan yang tidak bisa dijelaskan, hanya bisa dirasakan."

"Lantas, bagaimana dengan Keenan? Apakah kebahagiaannya juga tidak kami perhitungkan? Analogi yang barangkali bisa membantu menggambarkan ini adalah petunjuk emergensi di pesawat. Dulu, saya sering bingung, kenapa orang tua disuruh memakai masker oksigen duluan sebelum anaknya. Sekarang saya mengerti, dan setidaknya ini adalah kebenaran bagi saya: kita tidak bisa membahagiakan orang lain sebelum kita sendiri bahagia. Satu buku yang sangat terkenal, “Celestine’s Prophecy”, juga bicara soal ini. Kita harus “penuh” dulu sebelum bisa “memenuhi” orang lain. Cinta bukanlah dependensi, melainkan keutuhan yang dibagi. "

"Saya menikah bukan karena Keenan, dan kalaupun saya bertahan menikah, seharusnya juga bukan karena Keenan. Karena kalau cuma karena Keenan, dengan demikian saya menaruh beban yang luar biasa besar dan bukan porsinya Keenan, bahkan saya menjadi seseorang yang tidak bertanggungjawab, dengan meletakkan fondasi pernikahan saya pada seorang anak. Ini barangkali bukan pandangan yang umum. Kita tahu betapa banyak orang di luar sana yang bicara bahwa anak harusnya menjadi pengikat, bahkan dasar. Bagi saya, Keenan bukan tali atau fondasi. Dia adalah busur yang akan melesat sendiri satu saat nanti. Kewajiban utama saya adalah menjadi manusia yang utuh agar saya bisa membagi keutuhan saya dengan dia. Dan keutuhan jiwa saya tidak saya letakkan dalam pernikahan, tidak juga pada siapa-siapa, melainkan pada diri saya sendiri. Saya hanya bisa bahagia untuk diri saya sendiri. Kalau ada yang lain merasa kecipratan, ya, syukur. Kalau tidak pun bukan urusan saya."

Jujur aja waktu denger kabar Dee cerai *Dee ini salah satu penulis favoritku, yang pemikirannya gila banget, dan kuanggap dia dewasa walaupun agak liberal. atau mungkin memang liberal? hahaha*, aku kaget banget!
i never thought dia bakal ambil keputusan itu.
tapi setelah baca blognya, aku mulai memahami kenapa.

tadi malem sewaktu doa, aku sempet nanya sama Tuhan.
"Gimana Tuhan kalau argumennya kaya' gini? *Dee's*, logis kan? masuk akal kan? dan kurasa penuh pertimbangan dan ngga' emosional. Trus, brarti sah-sah aja donk?"
sambil ngetik blog ini aku baru nyadar, that's the different. between us and her.

Dee yang filosofis memiliki argumen yang filosofis juga. dan itu tak terbantahkan. toh ini masa relatif di mana semua kebenaran adalah kebenaran.
dia menyudahi pernikahannya karena kebutuhan dirinya yang (mungkin) tidak terpuaskan dengan selimut "hubungan yang kadaluarsa". yang sudah ngga' membawa "gizi" apa-apa lagi bagi dirinya, ataupun bagi Marcell.

tapi kurasa aku dituntut untuk melihat pernikahan secara berbeda.
pernikahan bukan suatu janji yang diucapkan untuk saling membahagiakan satu sama lain. atau "memuaskan", "memenuhi", apalah istilahnya. seperti yang dongeng-dongeng sering kisahkan. happily ever after.

di suatu seminar keluarga kristen, pembicaranya pernah bilang, bahwa ketika kita memutuskan untuk menikah, kita memutuskan untuk saling melengkapi dan membantu seumur hidup sebagai mitra Tuhan.
entah dalam mendidik anak, pelayanan dalam gereja, atau apapun itu, yang pasti itu adalah turut andil dalam rencana keslamatan Tuhan bagi dunia ini.
dan karena itu urusannya sama Tuhan, maka cerai ketika udah merasa "kadaluarsa" *meminjam istilah Dee* dengan apapun alasannya, adalah jahat di mata Tuhan.

seperti sebuah salib, pernikahan tidak lagi menyangkut soal hubungan masing-masing pasangan *horizontal*, namun juga bertanggungjawab langsung dengan Big Boss di atas sono *vertikal*.

tapi tanpa bersikap subyektif, aku kagum banget dengan argumen yang Dee lontarkan mengenai keputusannya. Bagaimanapun juga, pendapatnya patut dihargai karena kita bukan Dee. kita ngga' mengerti benar apa yang sedang terjadi di dalam sana. selamanya kita hanyalah penonton berjarak yang cuma bisa melempar simpati yang miskin akan empati.

Dee juga bicara dan mungkin sedikit menyindir soal pers.
dan itu bikin aku tambah miris ngliat kondisi pers Indonesia, dan juga masyarakatnya yang "kecanduan" drama dan bukannya kebenaran.
sampai kapan Indonesia bisa maju kalau gini caranya...

simply click here to see te full version of her thoughts. :)

speaking of wedding, aku baru browsing web'nya axioo, team of wedding photography yang KEREN ABIS!!!
i also put the link of theirs right on the left side of this box. :)
or you may simply click here to make it faster. hehehehe..

aku suka banget cara kerja mereka.
they really make a good team-work. mulai dari ide, konsep, teknik, penyajian, sampe' ke relasi-koneksi antara mereka dengan klien.
that's what called photography! *or if i may to make it into abstract: that's what called DESIGN! hehehehe... hidup arek Design! yeee!*
foto itu telling stories. showing emotions. dan touching not only mind, but also heart to feel it itself.
seperti menyanyi, teknik itu cuma "alat". cuma pendamping.
yang penting itu lagunya. "nyampe" ngga'.. "ngena" ngga'..

somehow aku ngrasa my life's been so wonderful!
dikelilingi dengan thousands of artwork.. what could be better than that? hehehehehe...

keren ya kalo udah gede nanti bakalan bisa punya studio desain sendiri. hihihi... pasti nyenengin! uwiiii... ngga' sabar deh pengen cpt gede! :D

happy sunday all!
thanks for stopping by. :)

xxx,
*smooch*

what is blogging anyway?

2008-07-18T22:18:00.001-07:00

hello lovers! <3

i've just checked my friendster's mail, and i got a very interesting input from a dear friend of mine, Surya. or well, i used to call him Cuyax. hehehehe...

he shared a new view of blogging thingy which quite affects my way of thinking in blogging.
here's what he told me,

"blog itu isinya ndak harus 100% ur thought cris..

untuk menjaga kemenarikannya, sometimes could need something different than just ur thought... it might be journal, tips or interesting media encountering..

thoughts and public personal diaries indeed are the main elements of a blog. public personal diaries mean your personal encountering notes that are available for even the most unimportant person to u to see.. ;-)

tapi jangan lupa marketingnya, kamu harus bikin your visitors urge to check ur posts everyday.. nah cara terbaik untuk mendatangkan visitor tiap hari adalah... ya posting tiap hari, he3.

ndak harus toughts cris, it can be sometimes ur journal of interests, ur tips, or interesting media encountering, for example kamu baru beli jam tangan keren trus kamu tertarik untuk bahas... atau kamu barusan dapet job dan kamu mau share gimana caranya dapet job dan mempertahankannya sampai bos nya bosen liat kamu... atau kamu mbaca di gogirl ada quizzes yang menarik..paste it in ur blog, just don't forget to cite ur source .. ;)

kalo kamu nulisnya tought dan public personal diaries mulu, however, should it be very interesting, tapi sering kali toughts remains mengambang dan kurang solutif.. solusi dan problem solving aseli hasil pemikiranmu dhewe itu juga menarik untuk dibaca... ;-) "

well at first i never thought about such a thing
aku cuma berpikir kalau blog is one of my comfortable place to share what's inside my mind and feelings. that's it.

tapi kurasa Cuyax beri aku kesempatan buat memperluas cara pandangku tentang blogging; bahwa this space is the public's own. this is a place to share and communicate.
dan memang benar, yang dibagikan ngga' harus selalu berupa unsolveable thoughts aja.
but indeed, yang dibagiin harus lebih dari itu : informasi, pengetahuan, dan mungkin tips-tips *ah i'm bad at tips*. :(

gimanapun juga, i will let this blog unlocked.
:)
intinya, apa yang akan aku tulis adalah segala hal yang juga memperkaya diriku untuk move forward being a better person, yang juga aku harap bisa membantu kalian smua berjalan bersama-sama. well, agak subyektif sih pasti pemilihannya, but..
let's just don't even think about that, alrighty? hehehehehe.
the name on this blog is still my name anyway. ;)

oh, and have a great weekend fellas!
sore nanti Tim mau ke rumah, he's gonna show me some tricks to make the photographs become more interesting to see. i'll show you how. of course after he has showed me. hehehehe..
you can check one of his edited one by clicking here; one of my most favourite ones. :)

and the rest of the day will be spent at Melina's house, we're so gonna be talking about the plan to Trawas by this Wed. should be fun eh? well, it better be. hehehehe. i've been waiting this for so long.

i got many jobs to do : designing for Pelma's book of memories *buku knangan tu lo. aku ngga' tau bhs inggrisnyaaa. hahahahaha*,
dekorasi buat stand Paduan Suara & Pelma di open house P3KMABA nanti,
bikin slides buat musyawarah kerja Pelma,
dan..
ngurusin rencana semster ke depan.
that's gonna be tough. semester 3 ke depan bakalan berat banget. apalagi dengan kegiatan yang juga mulai menunggu buat dikerjain sepenuh hati.
oh, let's hope for the best. :)

xxx,
*smooch*

special thanks to Cuyax, you still are my one of trusted persons of sharing something like this ;)

her

2008-07-15T21:13:00.000-07:00

aloha!
wah udah lama banget nih ngga' ngeblog.
maklum komputerku rusak berat.
kata papa sih data-dataku sampe' terancam ilang smua. *gawat!*
makanya ini pusing banget..
itu "harta" kan udah kukumpulin dari jaman apaaa...
apalagi lagu-lagunya.. *hiksss..*
sedih kalo bayanginn..

skarang aja terpaksa numpang di kos Olive biar bisa kerja tugas, yah skalian online lah.. hahahahaha...

hmm, aku baru pulang dari les vokal nih.
what a great one-hour!
Tadi justru lebih banyak crita-crita ma Ce Eve daripada latiannya.. hahahahaha..

seneng banget ketemu sama dia. really, she's adorable!
Cece crita banyak soal paduan suara, nyanyi dan dia berhasil nunjukin ke aku bahwa singing is more than just making some melodies.
dia crita bahwa dia lebih respek sama orang yang ngga' pinter nyanyi, tapi ngerti apa yang dia nyanyiin. daripada org yang tekniknya ngalahin Pavarotti, tapi ngga punya "hati" di lagu yang dia nyanyiin.
yah semacam apa yang Paulus bilang di Korintus, "Though I may speak with bravest fire, and have the gift to all inspire but have not love, my words are vain. As sounding brass and hopeless gain."

dia juga crita tentang anak-anak Chorale yang karakteristik suaranya berbeda-beda. aku tambah kagum aja ma Cece, selama ini dia ngga' cuma blajar nyanyi aja.. tp dia juga blajar ngenal temen-temennya secara personal.
Cece ngerti kenapa kok si A orangnya itu gini, kenapa kok si B itu gitu.
dia ngga' cuma komplain kalo misalnya ada cekcok sama mereka, tp dia mau blajar mengerti kenapa mereka begitu.

jujur aja, buat masuk PSU salah satu hal yang takutin itu being alone.
aku takut ngga' bs nemu temen yang cocok, dan harus deal dengan berbagai mcm tipe org yang beda-beda. pasti ngga' gampang.

tapi pembicaraan ma Ce Eve tadi kasi smangat dan inspirasi buat aku. :)
tadi Cece juga kasi satu paradigma baru soal resital vokal *salah satu faktor yang ditakutin temen-temen UKM kalo mo ngambil kelas vokal. hahahaha*.
anehnya dia tuh smangat banget klo disuruh resital. dia excited!
bayangin.. kita smua keder, dia malah seneng.
dia bilang itu tantangan!
itu moment di mana smua kekuranganmu di exposed dan itu saatnya kamu buat lompat lebih tinggi lagi.
ternyata Nyonya ngga' cuman gila suaranya aja, tapi juga kedewasaannya. :)

dan kurasa itu ngga' cuma berlaku di resital aja, tapi di stiap the test of life.
daripada takut dan pikiran yang ngga-ngga, mending being excited. :)
soalnya kita tau itu titik tolak buat kita melangkah lebih dewasa lagi.
dan yang terpenting, kita jadi nyadar bahwa kita ngga' sendirian.
sama kaya' di PSU, yang resital ngga' cuman kita sendrian, tapi temen-temen yang lain juga.
dan kita bertumbuh sama-sama juga. :)

ah rasanya ngga' sabar pengen cepetan rabu depan!
blajar nyanyi, juga blajar tentang gimana menjadi dewasa. :)

have a good day y'all! be blessed!

xxx
*smooch*

P.S : clickhere to see my adorable coach profile and be amazed! :)

my sleepover

2008-07-03T07:06:00.000-07:00

hei hei hei!

aku lagi di rumah Olive nih, lagi sleepover. hahahahaha..
rencananya lagi mau blajar knitting ma Olive.. :)
makanya nginep deh, skalian minjem internet, di rumah 2 komputer rusak semua.. payah. :X

ehm, aku lg sambil chatting ma Yanuar *a friend from highschool*.
i really like his personal message, "What is between 2 different hands clapped? Sole darkness it is.. Like 2 different hearts united.. A great darkness within".
skeptical emang, but i think it's true somehow.
it's reality.

kadang aku mikir-mikir sih ngapain ya kita ini pacaran..
cuma buat punya temen seumur hidup gitu? *kan lanjutannya pacaran married.. hehehe*
then what? klo cuman itu pelihara anjing aja beres.
kata sebagian ilmuwan, justru anjing itu lebih setia dan bener-bener mencurahkan cinta mereka sepenuhnya ketimbang manusia.

ta' rasa banyak pasangn yang ngga' bnr2 ngerti apa tujuan akir dari pacaran sampe' akirnya mereka terpuruk di kondisi bahwa mereka cuman doing rutinitas aja, dan akirnya, seperti yang Yan bilang, that "great darkness" mulai comes up.
ada satu "kekosongan" yang ngga' disadari yang mulai muncul, dan "pacaran" cuma berjalan ngga' lebih dari status aja.

aku brani bilang bahkan di kalangan temen-temenku sndri banyak yang pacaran karena "km suka, aku suka.. so jalan yuk!".
walaupun ngga' menutup kemungkinan mereka pun bertumbuh berasam seiring berjalannya masa pacaran mereka.
tp lebih banyak yang "semu", menurutku.

kurasa romantisme pacaran bukanlah hal utama yang perlu "dipublikasikan".
banyak pasangan *yang terutama ceweknya* kaya' gitu, seolah-olah pengen meyakinkan dunia bahwa hubungan mereka sedang dalam kondisi optimal; atau kalau ngga' sebenarnya ada "sesuatu yang ngga' beres", tp berusaha meyakinkan diri sendiri *dan dunia* bahwa hubungan itu beres.
justru ketika mereka berdua ngga' lagi ngapa-ngapain, ngga pegang-pegangan tangan, atau peluk-peluk'an atau dsb.. tapi org bisa tau kalau mereka saling sayang satu sama lain, keren kaaann?
hehehehe..

ah anyway let's pay no mind aja lah ya..
kayaknya being single bisa lebih produktif deh. :DD

ehm, besok aku mau ke PTC loh!! wiwwwwwiiwiwiwiwiwiwiwi, serunyaaa...
dah lama ngga' ke sana! trutama toko DVDnya udah buka!!! SIP banget!
:))))
it feels soooo GREAT menghbiskan waktu sama temen-temen yang sayang sama kita! *besok mau pergi sm Tim, Yujin, Olive*
hah rasanya bener-bener melegakann.. :)

have a great weekend!!

xxx
*smooch*

My New Skin! and the trouble within

2008-06-30T07:27:00.000-07:00

Heii there!
i've just got my new skin, and heppy of it! ;)

the sad fact that really bothers is :
i can't add a cbox down here.
i don't know why..~
everytime i put the code,
the layout turns to be chaotic and..

i still don't find what is wrong with the cbox code!!

after 10times *or more* trial-and-errors, i gave up..
hahh..
anybody cares to help me?
Pleaseee....

xxx
*smooch*

Weekend?

2008-06-27T21:09:00.000-07:00

weeiiii... this is weekend, and i choose to be staying just at home.. ;))

kmrn baru jalan-jalan ma anak-anak ke Sutos *duh gila, aku jatuh cinta banget ma Sutos!! suasananya tu lo.. dapet banget! hehehehe* nonton Get Smart! lucuuuuuu... :DD dah, jauh banget lah ma yang namanya The Happening! bener-bener rugi tuh nonton tuh pilem satu itu.. *masi' kesel*.

abis gitu karena hari masi sore... setelah kita foto-foto *bisa liat fotonya di FSku kalo mau.. hahahahaha*, kita "pindah" ke Mall!!!

tadinya cuman berempat, trus waktu di Mall ketambahan 2 personel baru...

abis makan-makan, guyon-guyon *bernostalgia a la anak SMA*, trus kita ke Gunung Agung.

and i found thisss::::

NEW MOON!!!!!! Lanjutan keduanya Twilight! omigodddddd...

i'm sooo HUEPPY BUANGET!!!..

ya ampunn.. aku suka banget ma Twilight! dan ternyata ada lanjutannya! duh dobel deh senengnya!

apalagi New Moon lebih tebel drpd Twilight, asik deh.. jadi ngga' abis-abis ngebacanya. hahahahahhaa..

aku suka Twilight, ceritanya sih sederhana, tapi penokohan karakternya *terutama si super charming Edward Cullen* itu detail banget, dan justru yang bikin dia bagus tuh bukan alur ceritanya *ya itu juga bagus sih.. *, tapi respon tiap-tiap karakter yang ada di novel ini.. wah, bener-bener bikin aku jatuh cinte setengah mati!!

sayangnya di novel kedua, Edward mesti pergi *oh ya fyi, Ed itu vampire.. sedangkan Bella manusia.. keren toh? ;)*, dan sebelum pergi dia jd bener-bener dingin.. biar ga nyakitin Bella katanya. Ed sayaaaang banget ma Bella, dan dia tuh cowok yang bener-bener gentle. He's the man, kalo aku boleh bilang. *aku ngarep deh jadinya bisa ketemu bnran ma yang namanya Edward Cullen.. hahahahaha*

tapi karena dia mesti pergi, akhirnya dengan sgt terpaksa dan nyakitin dia mesti bersikap kaya' gitu toward Bella. dan aku tuh yang sampe' ikut-ikutan sedih gitu.. hahahaa, soalnya aku tau gimana rasanyaaa! hiks2..

ah pokoknya bagus lah tuh novel!! asli! WAJIB baca!

oh ya beberapa hari lalu aku beres-beresin kamar, dan membuang smua barang-barang yang ga perlu.. termasuk maket-maket gila yang ta' buat setengah mati... daripada nyungsep'i... ya wes dibuang ae. hahahahahahaha... sayang sih.. tp ga ada tempat!!

maket-maketku.. say goobye to mommy... :,(

lihatlah lebih dekat...

ehh, how about your hols??

aku seneng nih biar ga ngapa-ngapain di rumah.. i can do many things!

vocalizing, baca2, nyampulin buku, trus skrg aku punya habit baru : tiap hari i print berita-berita terbaru dari YahooNews, National Geographic, sama Catatan Pinggir by Gunawan Mohammad.i think that's good, jadi cewek juga mesti berwawasan luas 'kan? klo ga skrg, kapan lagi? :)

ah ya udahhh..

i think i've said a mouthfull.. :X
sampe' ketemu lagiii..

have a great weekend!!

xxx

*smooch*

Pelma's Gathering

2008-06-23T08:32:00.000-07:00

lagi bingung mau pesen apaan.. @.@

gelap ato terang yang penting fotooooooo!!!! ;)

aku baru aja pulang dari acara fellowshipnya Pelma.
pertamanya sih mau rapat bidang nyambung acara keakraban bentar, ehhh karena anak-anak Pembinaan banyak yang pulang kampuang, akhirnya diperebsar dah jangkauannya jadi acara keakraban seluruh Pelma tanpa rapat bidang. hahahahah..

gawatnya, yang ada justru kita smua excited jalan-jalan ke PTC, nyambung ke G-Walk, trus berakhir di es kacang ijo deket atum..
pertamanya ketua bidangku malah ngajakin ke Tretes!! bayangin aja! hahahahaha...

klo udah dihadepin ma urusan makan, ternyata anak-anak Pelma ngga jauh beda deh ma yang lain.. ganas-ganas smua! gile.. ngga' cowok ngga' cewek.. sama lah smua.

ini acara jalan-jalan pertmku bareng mereka. maklum, pengurus baru saya ini.. masi' fresh from the oven bok. hahahahaha..
sprti kasus-kasus saya ketika "masuk" ke komunitas baru, *aku nih paling parno klo udh mesti gabung di suatu lingkungan baru* banyak antisipasi yang aku lakuin..
ngga' sepenuhnya tadi aku mrasa "into" banget..
tapi entah knapa, i feel nyaman dengan mereka.
dan kabar baiknya, i can be my ownself tonight. :)

aku slalu ketakutan ngga punya bhn pembicaraan kalo deket sm org baru.. tapi tadi, i stayed quiet, and it's all okay. mereka juga asik-asik aja.. dan by the time goes by, lama-lama suasana cair juga..
melegakan sekali. :D

aku masi' sempet sedih krn "kehilangan" that "guy", dan akhirnya kuputusin buat SMS Lia.. i miss her so much.
Dia cuma bilang bhw that's normal.. dan bodohnya tu cowok klo ngga' fall for me.. hahahahahaha.
besties are always the best!
walopun cuman ngm sebentar sm Lia, tapi aku lega banget.. she always knows how to deal with my heart..
*yah walopun ada juga saat2 di mana dia justru jd "musuh" yang menyakitkan.. but i think.. that's friendship, right? kami sama-sama belajar berjalan.. sama-sama saling belajar mengerti dan berusaha untuk tidak menyakiti.. ngga' selalu berhasil melakukan yang terbaik memang, tapi at least kami tdk pernh berhenti berusaha untuk menjd yg terbaik for each other.. :D*

tadi waktu online iseng-iseng aku baca postingnya Grace Suryani..
* Fettucini Yang Hancur - Grace Suryani Liem*
dia penulis remaja kristen yang inspirational banget, dan karena tulisan dia lah aku jd mengerti ada yg salah dengan hubungan pacaranku *yang dulu*, dan brani ambil keputusan untuk mengakhiri hubungan kasih itu..

ada satu kalimat yang aku suka di postingnya dia, dan kasi' smangat lagi untuk terus berdiri teguh..
Guys, ketika kita mengerti alasan Tuhan, ketika kita mengerti kita bisa
menjalani semuanya dengan hati yang bersyukur. Kita tidak lagi terjatuh ke dalam
lembah mengasihani diri, mengutuki orang lain maupun keadaan. Kita keluar
sebagai pemenang sekalipun mungkin lingkungan kita tidak berubah, tetapi KITA
BERUBAH. Karena itu penting sekali untuk mencari tau, apa yang Tuhan mau untuk
setiap kegagalan yang kita alami.

she's damn right.
keadaan mungkin ngga' berubah jd lebih baik.. tapi yang terpenting KITAlah yang berubah.

tiba-tiba aku jd bener-bener nyadar bahwa TUHAN terlalu baik. Dia bnr-bnr ngga' ngebiarin aku melewati ini semua sendirian. begitu banyak hal : teman-teman, sahabat, blog, tulisan-tulisan, kegiatan-kegiatan yang seakan-akan datang silih-berganti buat "menemani" aku melewati ini semua..
dan ketika ingat itu smua, aku jd pingin nangis..

ada CINTA yang begitu besar menungguku setiap saat, tapi aku malah dengan naif merogoh-rogoh cinta-cinta duniawi yang ngga' sempurna dan membw sakit hati..

sekali lagi aku mengutip apa yang Grace bilang:
Guys, sebagai penutup saya mau bagikan 2 kalimat. Yang pertama, dari film I
Not Stupid Too. Yang menemukan kalimat ini justru bukan saya, tapi murid-murid
yang saya ajak nonton. Kalimatnya seperti ini. You are not finish when you lose.
You’re finish when you quit. Hidupmu tidak berakhir ketika kamu kalah, hidupmu
berakhir ketika kamu menyerah. Yang kedua, “Kita lebih dari orang-orang yang
menang oleh Dia yang telah mengasihi kita.” Roma 8:37.

good night all, God be with you..
:)

xxx
*smooch*

wake up because of saturday night

2008-06-22T20:05:00.000-07:00

well, benernya mau nge-post foto-foto sabtu lalu cuman HP lagi di bawah, males deh ngambilnya.. ntar aja deh kapan-kapan. hihihihihihi..
you know, last saturday was awesome.
not only about the "jalan-jalan" part, but also what happened the hours after.

kami ke Sutos *yeahh! Sutos rocks!! i love Sutos! Thank God akhirnya di sby ada tempat buat hangout yang cool kaya' gitu.. hihihihi*, dan ajaibnya gerombolanku kali ini tuh temen-temen yang smskali aku ngga' pernh hangout bareng slama di SMA dulu.
bahkan kadang cuman nyapa aja. that's it.
aku pergi bareng Ivan "Sakaw", Ucup, Louis, Olive ma Olin. klo Olive Olin sih emg udh lumayan deket, tapi tuh cowo bertiga tu lo.. Louis apalgi. kenal aja br kemaren Sabtu itu. hahahaha.. i think sama-sama kangen akan masa-masa HighSchool bikin kita jd deket secara ngga' langsung ya.. ;)
i can't believe i got along that easily dg mereka kemaren weekend.. it's like, we'd known each other for a long time. pretty good eh? :)

sayangnya, aku nonton The Happening and bener-bener tuh film jelek bangett!!!!!!!! duh!! rugi deh.. udah kena harga tiket yang 25rb, filmnya bener2 ga bisa ngluarin pesan yang dimaksud dengan bagus. pokoknya kami ber6 tu sepanjang film diputer ngomeeel mulu.. "film opo seh iki..."
hahahahaa.. untung masi ada Mark Wahlbergnya yang lumayan bs ditonton. wekekekeke...

we spent the rest of the night di G-Walk, bayar kekecewaan dengan makaaaaannn.. wiiii.... nyumnyummmm...
sayangnya pas jalan pulang, lagu di mobilnya Ivan tu Faraway by Nickelback. it's a very nice song *you guys have to check that out sometime*, dan itu laguku sama Steve.. :X
seperti yang lalu-lalu, those memories lagi
lagi "menyerang".. *ahh, aku emg paling lemah dah klo udah "kesentil" lewat lagu.. hahahaha*
and it hurts.

aku lagi deket sama 1 cowok akhir-akhir ini, and i thought he cares for me.
well, he had said it so several times, but what is seen by the fact is that.. i think he was lying. or i don't know, perhaps he never said it seriously.
and it also hurts.

it's like i'm rejected, and not being loved anymore.
*maklum org melan.. hahaha*

i dropped a call for him *cowok itu, not Steve* at night, dia bilang ms ada tamu jadi ya udah.. aku cuma pengen ngm2 sbntr to get better, but ternyt ngga' bs. paginya aku check HPku pengen tau apakah ada "balesan" *entah telp ato SMS* dr dia.. dan ternyata nihil.

that morning i woke up, ngga' cuma bangun dr tidurku tapi aku juga bangun dr "mimpi"ku selama ini.
bahwa my happiness is not somebody's responsibilty. it's mine. and it's mine to fight for. and i know i can't blame him because of this. he has his own right, dan walaupn itu menyakitkan buat aku, i know i have to go on.. gimanapun juga.

pagi itu juga i decide bahwa i have to stand on my own feet. i'm happy kapanpun ada ssorg yang cares for me, tp tanpa mereka pun, aku harus tetap happy.

di gereja tiba-tiba ada 1 jemaat baru yang ngga' punya kaki, dan waktu kami nyanyi "Sukacita Surga", dia tuh bener-bener memuji dengan wih.. pokoknya kita smua yang punya kaki aja kalah!! dan saat itu juga aku malu.
aku malu sm Tuhan. aku menunggu "sesuatu" untuk membuat aku bersukacita, tapi org itu bahkan dlm kehilangannya dia tetep bersukacita.
tiba-tiba aku nyadar bahwa, "those guys yang pergi dari hidupku bukan berarti bahwa i don't deserve to be loved.. No.
they're just the wrong guys. or perhaps this is not the right time yet.
dan di semua sakit hati, kekecewaan dan kesedihanku, HE still knows better than I.
dan bahkan ketika ngga' ada 1 org pun yang cares for me, itu bukan alasan untuk aku ngga' bersukacita"

aku baru aja baca posting Ce Susan yang paling baru, dan aku bersyukur bahwa Tuhan ngga' pernh membiarkan aku berjalan sendirian.
that posting helps me alot, dan menyadari bahwa Ia selalu kirim teman-teman yang mendampingi aku tanpa memedulikan gimana jeleknya aku, i can't stop thank my God each time i remember them.

mungkin ini saatnya lebih menghargai apa
yang sudah aku punya sekarang
*them*, ketimbang terfokus dengan apa yang
belum ketemu *a guy*, yang nanti
akan
datang pada waktunya.

still: Happy Holidayssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
always smile no matter what!!!! Have a blessed day!

P.S: i found this quote, “The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.”
nice isn't it? Thanks a bunch to Ce Susan again karen nge-link'in nih web di blognya. hahahaha....

xxx
*smooch*

liburannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

2008-06-20T19:37:00.000-07:00

it's weekend now.. and still my hols.
hihihihi..
kemarin anak-anak udah mulai pada SMS.. "Duuhhh, kok nganggur yaaa? kok bosen se yaaaa... kalian ya apa keadaanee? bosen juga ngga??"
hahahahaha... baru juga 2hr libur..
udah pada bosen...

tapi bener juga sih.. klo ngga' ngapa-ngapain itu jd tambah ngga' enak smua. bangun pagi tu kaya' aimless gitu.
"mau ngapain ni hari ya.."

untunglah setiap liburan ada sajaaa temen-temen yang pulang dr negeri orang. hihihihihihih.. at least ngga sepi dehh...

jadi, ini rencana saya selama liburan:
1. berenang sesering mungkin
2. have a new haircut
3. nyampulin buku-bukuku & kasi' ID
4. download lagu *eh komputerku udh bisa dibuat download!! -katrok- duh senengnyaaa*
5. rajin les inggris & vokal
6. rutin sate
7. nelpon Lia sering2
8. banyak maem
9. ngabisin DVD
10. make thousands of artwork

dah sepuluh dulu deh.. hahahahaha, takut ngga' bs kesampean.. :D

eh ntar sore finally i'll go out with my highschool mates : Olive, Olin, Louis, Abek, Ucup, Ivan..
hahhh.. udah years deh ngga' ketemu sm mereka2..

i'll post the photos and tell a lil' bit of the strories once i'm blogging again.. :)
*can't wait for this eveningggg... *jumping around**

have a nice weekend!!! GodBleses!

xxx
*smooch*

Holidays I'm Comingggggggggggggggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-06-19T22:05:00.000-07:00

eiiiiiiiiii...!!!
duhhh... it seems like years i didn't even touch this blog..
hiks... :( gimana lagi..
pengen sih nulis benernya.. cuman ya gitu, ntah kenapa malesss banget... *aneh*

ehhh!! saya sudah LIBOOORRR!!!!!! YIPPIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
huaaahhh, akhirnyaaa!!!
beneran deh, liburan yang kali ini tuh dinanti-nantikan BUANGET!
semester 2 ini benar-benar membunuhku! *ih kaya' lagunya d'massive aja yak.. hehehe*
tons of macquetes, papers.. duh bener-bener asli: LEGAAAAAAAA SEKALEEEE....
banyak rencana di kepala nih buat ngisi liburan ini! terlalu banyak sampe pusing juga sih ngaturnya.. hehehehehe.

oh ya kemaren aku ke WBL!
yesterday was awesome! a really good day to start this long hols.

aku pergi ke sana bareng ma my gang in interior : *Yah kalian tau lah, gang NAPI gila itu* Pepeng, Ujang, Liang, Ichang, Gopet. ngga' komplit.. soalnya Bitchy mesti ngerjain tugas *tugas Menggambar 2 dia HILANG smua. akhirnya dia mesti ngulang dari awal biar bisa dpt nilai*, en ciktong tipe pecinta kluarga.. jd lebih suka bantu-bantu papanya njagain tukang drpada ikut seneng-seneng ma kite-kite.. hihihihi.

oh ya kemaren ada anggota baru! Ko Wewe.
dia tuh sebenernya tutor, tapi karena gila juga.. akhirnya bisa nyambung ma kita. hahahaha..

makan malem di warung Leko (mayjen) , wah ini udah kelaparan banget!! hehehehe..
*ki-ka: Gopet; Pepeng; Ko Wewe (baju kuning); aku; Ichang; Liang*

wah beneran deh, kemarin bnr2 SUPER SERU!
kita naik smua wahana, triak-triak sampe serak, naik bananaboat & jatuh ke laut 4x!!! UWAOWWWWW.....
dan for sure: took thousands of photos dongg.. hihihi.
cuman kameranya masi' di Pepeng & Ichang.. jd yah.. belum bs di post.. :(

ehm... waloupun begitu, the end of the day'nya ngga' berakhir terlalu menyenangkan buat aku.
wangi-wangian mobilnya Ko Wewe PERSIS sama kaya' wangi-wangian mobilnya Steve *fyi, he's my ex*.. hiks..
trus tiba-tiba Ce Fanny *temen greja skaligus temen di PSU* sms, bilang klo di SH ntar dia bakal 1 uni ma tu cowok.
entah napa tiba-tiba memori tu langsung melayang ke sana..
it's like i want to rewind it all over again.. *sigh*
it's not that easy to forget and let go of someone we have ever loved yah..

tengah-tengah malem tiba-tiba Daniel sms.
"God has a plan in your life, all you get to do is just trust and obey".
*speechless*
kok bisa pas banget sih??
crita ma Danie aja nggak..
dalem hati aku cuman bilang, "a plan? what plan God? a plan of brokenheart and pain?"
*hehehehe.. dasar skeptic & cynical yah saya nih..*

bukannya bermksd begitu, tapi aku br nyadar aja..
bener-bener sulit.
beberapa waktu lalu Lia juga smpt sms bilang bhw dia
tiba2 teringat Elv *her ex* di tengah kehidupannya yang (seharusnya) sudah
berjalan dengan fine *without his traces anymore*..

hmmph..

love life is such a
complicated thing, right?
:(

tapi biarpun
begitu, kita tetep mesti blajar terus jalan!!! walopun pelan-pelan dan cuman
setapak demi setapak.
this is life : it
has to
be going on no matter what.. :DD

contohnya seperti aku skrg :
menikmati liburan yang menyenangkan iniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii... *and trying
hard
to get rid him off my mind.. ehehehehe-dg cari cowo baru kali
yaaaa...
hahahahahahaha.. ;P*

have a veryyyy blessed hols you guyssss!

xxx
*smooch*

Lia

2008-05-22T06:20:00.000-07:00

aloha!
frankly, i'm now highly demanded to finish my work as quickly as i can, but unfortunately, i found myself getting bored and so.. i just couldn't help to click that "Internet Explorer" icon and.. starting to browse! hahahaha.. *okay now you know i'm not a good girl right? ;)*

aku bolos hari ini. lagi-lagi.
enggak tau rasanya akhir-akhir ini males banget kuliah. bukan males ke petra'nya sih, justru pengen! di sana rame.. ada temen-temen, ada latian paduan suara, ada bakwan goreng (loh kok? hehehe).. cuman yang bikin BT tuh tugas-tugasnya tuh lo! bener-bener deh gugur 1 tumbuh seribu!
rasanya capekkk gitu. ngga' cuman capek mata ma fisik aja, tapi juga mental. aku seneng sih mbuatnya.. apalagi nirmana. *hiks, begitu naik semester 3, bye-bye nirmanaa... bye-bye freedom of expressionn.. say hello to functional scaleee... oh noooo*
tapi kadang it's just.. melelahkan. entah gimana jelasinnya.

tadi aku, pepeng, ujang (duo yang paling getol dan penuh semangat kalau diajak bolos - langsung aja telpon mereka kalau lagi pengen escape, dengan senang hati mereka akan langsung bergabung.. hahaha) ke mall. kami nonton Indiana Joness!!!! *ketok'ane seru ya?*
omigos ternyata bener-bener menyengekkan. bikin kuciwaaa..
pertama-pertama sih seru.. kaya' national treasure gitu.. eh tapi ujung-ujungnya? ternyata harta karun'nya tuh UFO alias piring terbang ga jelas itu!! ya ampunnn.....
langsung aku njeglek..
soooo...... ngayal!!!!
-.-
jadi langsung males..
kan sayang ya toh, padahal Harrison Fordnya dah ganteng gitu. :'( hiks.

hmm.. hari ini aku cukup kaget baca entry'nya my bestfriend.
i think she's frightened about being unaccepted as the way she is. aku tahu bener gimana perasaan itu. aku juga pernah ngalamin itu, dan salah satu ketakutan terbesarku adalah hal itu juga. mungkin gara-gara kesamaan itu ya kami bisa bertahan terus bersahabat? hehehehe..
sampai saat ini, cuman dia satu-satunya orang yang bener-bener aku percaya.
memang ketakutan itu masih ada. kalau suatu saat dia mendapati aku udah highly changed dari bayangan dia selama ini, dan dia ngga' bs nrima, aku ngga' tau deh gimana lagi.
it's like.. i can bear pandangan orang-orang yang ngga' bisa nrima aku atau ngga bisa ngertiin aku bagaimana aku adanya karena ada 1 kepercayaan bahwa "Lia pasti bisa ngerti..", atau "masih ada Lia yang mau ngerti".
dan karena itu i'm brave to face the world.
karena ada satu "home".
"home" where i can always run to.

and i hope she understand that i won't "runaway". karena aku juga menaruh harapan she won't "runaway" either.

anyway...
sabtu nanti i'll be leaving to Blora. ada yang married. dann... ada Nii-Nii di sanaaa! :D
yah lumayan lah, itung-itung Blora jadi getaway buat lepas sejenak dari kepenatan seminggu ini. hahahahaha..

okey, should be back on my work again fellas.
i hope you all really have a great night, and God bless! :D

xxx

Indonesia

2008-05-20T08:25:00.000-07:00

aduuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.............. lamanya ngga' menyntuh blog iniiii... sampe diteriakin ma blogging queen : nopek. hahahahahahaha...

iya nih, sibukkk sekaliii.. jd lama-lama mood nulisnya ilang. hmm, emang bener kok ya, a good habit tuh harus dipelihara. kaya' taneman, harus dirawat. kalo nggak.. ya layu kaya punyaku ini..

well... too many things really did happen within my life! one of the big highlight is that Eugenie is now in Surabaya!!! that's so nice..
i wish Lia was here, too.. Y.Y then it'll be complete..

eh, hari ini 100th Kebangkitan Nasional of Indonesia.
tadi setelah pulang dr Tretes, aku ma papa nyempetin liat RCTI. ada pagelaran kebudayaan gede-gedean di gelora Bung Karno.
gilaaaaa... mereka tuh nampilin 1000penari dengan tari-tarian khas daerah-daerah dari sabang-merauke dan di retouch gitu. gilaaaaaa! asli bener-bener amazing!!
spontan aku langsung bersyukur banget i'm born to be Indonesian.
despite of semua keburukan dan kebobrokan bangsa ini (korupsi, dll), aku tetap bersyukur dan banggaaaa banget.

Indonesia is a blessed country. well at least at the beginning it was. hanya saja manusia2nya ngga' bisa manfaatin dengan baik.
oh ya, di sini sekarang lagi musim loh batik yang di remake gitu. jadi casual dress, skirt, vest.. wah macem-macem deh..
i think itu suatu perkembangan yang bagus.. :) dengan begitu batik lebih bisa "menyelam" ke dunia pemuda-pemuda Indonesia yang selama ini (mungkin) menganggap batik is not more than just a lame history aja.

well, aku sama 1 temenku Lianggono rencana mau bikin such a clothing line yang bener-bener kita mau ngebuktiin bahwa Indonesia dan segala kekayaan hasil budayanya itu precious, dan ngga' "kuno".
dan terutama anak-naka jaman skrg yang cinta budaya asing drpada budaya negri sendiri.

aku rasa being nasionalist itu jauh lebih dalem daripada sekedar bilang " i love Indonesia" aja. tapi gimana kamu dengan segala kapasitasmu bisa ikut menyumbang bagi negara ini, terlepas dari apakah usahamu itu nanti bakal bawa pengaruh or not.
abisnya anak-naka jaman skrg tuh sering klo misalnya disuruh kasi sumbangsih buat negaranya cuman nimpalin, "halaah, paling usahaku juga ngga' ngefek laah.."
akhirnya ya beginilah nasib bangsa ini : stagnan. atau malah makin terpuruk.

masih sambil nonton acara 100th Kebangkitan Nasional, masih dengan perasaan kagum & bangga luar biasa, aku doa dalam hati supaya Bapa mau memulihkan negri tercinta ini..
rasanya bisa jatuh cintaa gitu ma Indonesia.. hihi..

kalau mikirin hal ini.. rasanya jd smangat kuliah deh! biar pinter, dan bisa berguna buat bangsa dan negara! :D *did i sound like so dedicated? hahahaha*

have a blessed day guys!

xxx

back again again again again!!

2008-04-22T04:16:00.000-07:00

okey, so.. here i am again!
after such a long long time did no contact at all with this blog.
i don't know, i just feel like.. i'm not into this.
pff, really.. these days had been such the hectic ones for me.
and i'm quite fed up.
:X

okey soo.. forget the past! let's move on, shall we? :DDD

tomorrow's gonna be the very last day of mid-term, and i feel sooooooooooo... much happy!!
finally! all those suffering reaches to it's end. what could be better than that eh?
hehehehehe..

besok ada les vokal lagi! Yippie!! *so excited*
i never knew that actually i'm in the sopran baricade.
after doing the vocalizing last week, my teacher told me that i'm not that alto. i'm sopran.
*wuihhh.. so honoured! wekekeke*
it's hard. to reach that high tone and difficult pitch.
but apparently knowing that i have the capable of singing it, really makes me wanna go high high and high and just let my voice come out like "melengking". hahaha..

i am now making lots of efforts singing the Sarah Brightman ft. Josh Groban's song : There For Me.
what a nice one. i'm loving it.
eh, anyone happen to know any new classical-pop singer, tell me! :DD

i feel like missing anyone who's in this blog : nopek, pipi, ce jeans, ce susan, bee, lia.. like i'm a stranger now.
i promise i will do my best to keep this updated. wekekeke..

i thought that the last-day-of-midterm will be the end of my hectic days. and i was totally wrong.
it's just the new beginning of the other ones. CRAP!
right after this Wednesday, e have our usual class : PPKn and Gambar Teknik. just like the other Thursday to be.
*i think we ought to have some hols, right?*
and then the next Fri until Sun, i get to go to somewhere in Pacet : attending the camp for newcomers in Pelma. that's gonna be the exciting one. ;)
and after that, *you guys still keeping your eyes on my blog right? i know.. this is boring. mentioning all my tasks and blah blah blah.. but pleaseeeee... i really need a place to just spell it all outttt...*
i should make 2 piece of A3 papers titled "Gambar Penyajian Kamar Tidur" (but this one is fun! like i told you before: i can color it with mix media!), and brainstorming for the Nirmana macquette, and make some designs for the Leadership Weekend of Pelma.
mungkin setelah itu bisa agak bernapas lega..

hahhh..
capeknyaaaa...
eh besok saya mo potong rambut!! ^^V
sudah gerah banget sama nih rambutt...
see ya all!!

xxx

2008-04-14T20:01:00.000-07:00

weeeeeeeiiiii...
*running for this blog and hugging it so tightly*
kangenyaaaaaaa... udah super lama nih ga disentuhhh...

haduhhh, sibuk banget nih akhir-akhir ini.. sampe' ga tidur 2 mlm *rekor!!!*.

yaaaahh yahhh.. skrg saya lagi nganggur emang, *libur gitu lohh*
cuman ya sama aja.. wong ini libur karena mau UTS besok lusa. hahaha..
jadi ya ga absolut lah nganggurnya.. mesti nyicil segala macem biar ngga' keteteran.. hiks.. :,(

aduh, banyak yang pengen diceritain, sampe' bingung mesti ngomong yang mana duluan.
eh, tau ngga'? skrg aku ma Olive ketagihan shop online..
*mampus gua*
duhh, gara-gara si Olive tuh pertama kali langsung nawarin beli cardigan lewat internet. setelah 1 berhasil, "nyoba lagi yuk Liv?" hahahaha..
akhirnya sekaraaanggg... duit kami habis terkurasss... *crap*
tapi emang asik sih.. ayoo, yang rumahnya daerah surabaya dan suka belanjaa.. gabung yukk, jd biaya shippingnya muraaahh.. hahahaha..

wah, i really can't wait for holiday. aku ma temen-temen interior udah ngrencanain suatu bisnis. wakakaka.. agak ngawur sih, cuman pasti untungnya tinggi! *i tell ya later about this*
dan pas liburan ntar aku sama Liang mo rencana ngambil part-time di Sampoerna, cari pengalaman dan nambah penghasilan lah istilahnya.. trus, liburan kali ini ada Ce Jeansss!!! oh juga ada si Tim!!
that's great right??
waktu-waktu yang menyenangkan harus dhabiskan dengan org-org yang menyenangkan pulaa.. hahaha..
Finency & Nopek ga ikut pulangg? :DD *nanya nih gw*

sayangnya.. si Ratu Cina satu itu ga pulang! siapa lagi kalo bukan LIa.. :(
dia tuhh slalu pulang cuman sekali setahun. emangnya puasss ketemu cuamn bentar?? belom lagi dipotong jatah dia ke Kalimantan..
ihh dasar.. ga ngerti kali tuh ada banyak org kangen di sini.

ehm ehmmm.. oh ya! i finally made my room design. that's my personal project, dannnn proyek pertama mendesain sayaa! hohohohoho.. kelinci percobaannya kamar sendiri. wekekeke..
i like it soo much!! all in white and black, and i'll add some pictures *the black-and-white ones of course*, put some spring colours, and make it straight eclectically to the classy look!
ohh, i'm so can't wait to make it happen.
i learned a lot how to present my desain in a paperwork. i used watercolor, mixed by some marker touch, and finished it with pencil color and pastel. well, that's a lot of fun!! i love drawing now.. *ya walopun masi tetep sentimen ma kepala studio Menggambar 2'ku* hohoho

ya sudah ..
that's all buat hari ini.
sedikit review buat warming up lah.
hahahah.. i get to go : have my shower and ready to study!
see y'all!!
have a great great great blessed day, and dont ever forget to smile! :DDD *like this*

xxx

my vocal class and the complex nirmana's macquete

2008-04-02T08:40:00.001-07:00

wah wah, i've got lotsa stories to tell you here!!

today is the first day of my vocal class, as you know (i've said it yesterday), and sooo it was like a lot of fun i got there!! *telling this story passionately*
Nyonya is sooo patient and kind to me and i was like "ahh, i'll be forever take her as my personal coach!". hehehehe...

wah, pokoknya tadi tuh ngga' kaya' les vocal. suasananya bener-bener ngalir banget. ngobrol-ngobrol, trus one thing i really like is that she didn't take me as a stranger. or perhaps moreover like teacher-student.
she saw me like i was her girl. like.. we had been having such a long friendship between each other.
isn't that nicee?
:D
that's one thing very rare to be found today.
poeple nowadays tends to act selfishly, and most of them prefer not to care to anyone "new" around them. it's like "that's not part of my bussiness".
padahal, yang namanya penerimaan & sambutan hangat itu kalo dilakuin tulus dr hati, bakal kerasaa banget. dan pasti brings such a meaningful warmth buat org yang "diterima" begitu itu.

duh ternyata nyanyi itu sulit banget! dan di UKM teknik yang diajarin tuh kurang banget. pas di rumah Nyonya tadi, i spent most of time cuman buat blajar gimana caranya nerapin teknik opened-throat yang bener sama nafas diafragma dan nyanyi pitch tinggi pake' hidung. :X
dan keliatan banget gue begonya.. hahahaha.
tp gpp, namanya juga blajar ya toh? kalo udah hebat mah ngapain lesss... :D

oh ya, hr ini studio nirmana ke-2 (dalam minggu ini). dan tadi kami membicarakan soal gimana harus mendesain proyek maket kami nanti.
jadi, tugas kali ini tuh ngomong soal bidang (plane) yang dikomposisikan sedemikian rupa sehigga bisa punya alur, dan menciptakan ruang. nah susah lo!
as usual, my adirable tutor -Mrs. Margareth, told us sooo many important things untuk bener-bener diperhatikan dalam mendesain.
seperti; "kenapa kok ada shape yang tingginya ngga' sama?" -sirkulasi seperti apa yang mau disampaikan lewat penataan seperti itu? apa sirkulasinya mendukung tema konsep?
semacam itu lah.

aku selalu suka spent my time listening to what she says. she always tells us crucial yet often-forgotten informations. bener-bener dia tuh ngajarin prinsip. dan i know, designing is all about menerapkan prinsip dari konsepmu.
ibaratnya, belajar sama dia itu memperkokoh fondasiku dalam mendesain.
dan karena itu pula, kami ngga' cuma difokusin buat produce good things, tapi juga yang functional dan selalu punya maksud.

jadii, i spent couple hours tadi sore buat merancang maketku. duhh, sulit juga tau! bener-bener pusing. banyak banget yang mesti dipikirkan dan diperhitungkan.
but i realized, this is the beginning.

inilah awal aku belajar apa sih yang namanya desain interior.
dari belajar merancang maket (yang masih gampang -klo dibandingin ma maket rumah; ini mah masih maket abstrak; maket "seneng-seneng"an, di mana kita ga perlu mikir tentang fungsi, biaya, efisinsi, dsb) kecil-kecilan ini, aku juga mau menantang diriku sendiri.
mampu ta aku ini merancang suatu produk dengan benar?
dan kalau ini gagal, bukan hanya aku kecewa karena nilaiku jelek, tapi karena ternyata kemampuanku dalam mendesain masih belum bisa diandalkan; dan masih ngga' pantes berbangga hati ngomong "gue anak desain!".
*nge-desain aja masi' ga karuan juga..*

soo.. this has been a quite good day for me, and i hope for all of you too!

P.S : aku ditunjuk jadi koordinator divisi pubdekdok buat acara Leadership'nya PelMa Mei ntar! *wiii.. kaget tapi juga honoured!! :DDDD*

have a great night y'all!

xxx

nice evening

2008-04-01T08:35:00.000-07:00

i've just got home from mall, celebrating our postponed deadline of Nirmana II. *yay!*
hahaha.. yerp, haven't i told you before?
that crazy Nirmana's assigment's been postponed for a week! what a good news eh?
we usually have to make lots of design and show it to our tutor on Tue, *which we've just known what kind of macquete we should create right on that day!* and the 3D project has to happen on the next day which means on Wed.
can you imagine how difficult it is; thinking and brainstorming all about the concept, design, material, the unity element, and other design's principles in such rush hours like that?
and we should make it happen on the next day?

thus, those two days always been the most tiring-some days and the hectic ones.

and special for this project (we ought to make an atmosphere of a room by arranging shapes we create ourselves), the duedate is being postponed.
from the used-to-be Tue-to-Wed, now becomes Tue-to-Wed-and-Tue-again! :)
so we have enough time, to do some deeper explorations and do our best.

that's why! we went to mall to celebrate thus. :D hohohoho..
andd.. i watched P.S I Love You for the second time!
it still is a nice movie to watch for me.
i did weep. and i still really long to meet Gerard Butler. hahaha.. *silly thought mode on*

Udjang gave me some of the soundtracks.
one of them is sung by Chuck who -i forget the name.
it's such a mello one, but i like it.
i sat on my bed alone this night (right after i arrived home), and staring at my emptiness.
*while the song's played*
i know how it feels; to be having someone around you, puts his arms on your neck and holds you like he never lets you go.
i know how it feels to be loved. *well, i don't know wheter it's just a fake love or puppy-love; it's still love anyway, right?*
and i miss that feeling.

it's like.. safe. and, you always have someone whom you can run to, no matter happen. right?
still, i couldn't help it when i stared to Gerry's eyes *yeaah, though it's just in the moviee* when he was sitting alone in the bar looking deeply to Holly's singing *the song is "Love You Till The End -my fave*.
his eyes told us, that he was really in love. that he loved her wife that much.
wish i could have that kind of look, someday -i don't know when.

so, back on my feet :
tomorrow should be the very first time of mine to be having my first class of vocal.
i'm excited anddd.. wish me luck okey? :D
i really love singing, hahahaha.. anytime anywhere any chance i could sing, i will.
even when it's just possible for me to hum.
i'll do it. :D

alrighty, soo.. erm, enough for tonight.
this has been a quite long story i guess.
hahaha.. i'll be pretty busy these days, preparing my next-to-be spectacular Nirmana's project! *wow...*
it has to be spectacular. i promise.
and, i hope i will be all-out doing all my assigments. still tons of it waiting for me in a line.
*fiuhh..*

anyone who finds interesting webs about design, please tell me anytime soon.
or if one of you by a fortune happen to meet that charming Gerard Butler, tell him there's a girl in Indonesia dying for him. please?
hahahaha..

good night! have the wonderful one y'all!

xxx

Ce Jeans

2008-03-31T00:29:00.000-07:00

i've just finished reading Ce Jeans' blog. well, some of you maybe don't have any idea of who Ce Jeans really is. she's Eugenie, an old friend of mine that is now lost in Hesston. *well, she's not literally lost, but i like using that word to express how glad i will be to find her once again when she gets back here -ehehehe, some euphoria isn't forbidden right?*

that blog is way so interesting. i can't believe she now speaks english that fluently. it is still fresh in my mind the days filled with listening-section between her and i inside the class. instead of listening to the teacher teaching, we both put those earphones on the ears, simply pressed the 'play' button of my MP3 or sometimes it was her SE Walkman phone, and were ready to listen carefully to the song and wrote down all we heard about the text on the paper.

we both were screwed up. i still remember once we listened to "Superman" (by Five for Fightings) *a really nice song*, we heard the wrong sentence.
it should be "and it's not easy to be me", but we guessed that must be "it's not easy to be he need". hahahaha..
pantes aja kok grammarnya aneh.. masa penyanyinya salah? *ga mungkin bangett*

and now, i'm really proud of her. she makes it best to her English.
well i wonder though, when i will be fluent like thatt.. *someday*

it's nice reading on her blog. so Eugenie, and i found a little bit of fun inside.
well i guess i really have to think about my blog more deeply once again.

still, i get it blank about what should i do with this blog.
i have my other cup, a personal blog.
*i bet, that one will be the most boring blog ever read for Pipi.. hahaha*
it's full of contemplations, and soliloquies.
and sometimes i find it's like dizzy to decide; which one i should write down here, and which one is best kept for myself (in another words : put it inside that other blog).
and not losing myself still.

alrighty, should be back on work.
*arghh.. lagi-lagi assigmentsss!!*

xxx

my skipped class

2008-03-30T20:36:00.000-07:00

hellow..
i skipped my class today.
a wholeday class. Menggambar II.
well, i'm not in the mood of doing sketchings or painting. i really want to stay at home.

i think it'd be better to stay here, and do some other important stuffs than to be imprisoned for like 10 hours inside the studio doing nothing. *because at last, they will tell you to bring those artworks home, or instead make some remedial -isn't that useless?*

erm, i don't know if this is bad or good. well, it's supposed to be bad actually. but i don't feel like i'm doing mistake. hahaha..
i skipped the class, but i'm doing another things that is more neccessary. so.. it's a play-fair right?
*well, i guess so.. -devilish smile*

ehm.. soo.. i've got tons of assigments to be done here; such as : *the one and always:*Nirmana, pengantar karya, naskah pelma, konsep teknologi.. and.. perhaps.. rescheduling my time.

oh finally! i take the vocal class.
it starts on this wed, 8 AM.
i have no class that time, so i'm free to fill in it with the vocal course.
Nyonya will be my coach.
*nyonya is a nickname for Ms. Evelyn -she's the one i told you in my entry "My Role Model"*
you know what, i think i'm so much blessed.
i should be on campus at 10 AM, and you know.. i can't drive any car to reach Petra.
so.. she'll be the one who drive me there!
what a lovely person she is!
hehehehe...

i'm so thankful i got too many best teachers in several subjects.
Ferry for my English teacher (he's totally crazxy, fun, smart, anddd.. he teaches me the british accent!! what a lucky girl i am), Nyonya for my vocal, Samuel Rachmat for my christian cultural studies tutor (he's the best), and Mrs. Endang for my French.
well, i'm waiting for Pipi to be my spanish teacher. hahahaha...

i should do my best then? i've got the best modals, so there won't be any excuse for me to do less efforts to bring the best out of me.

happy Monday!

xxx

nirmana

2008-03-24T08:01:00.000-07:00

saya lagi sibuk termenung di depan desktop sambil nge-klik-nge-klik sites yang nyediain ide-ide gila buat karya nirmana saya besok.
haduuuhh.. nih mata kuliah satu ini bener-bener menyita otak saya!
apalagi kena tutor yang bisa dibilang killer.
Bu Maragareth.
wah tuh orang hebat bener.. perfeksionis, dan detail.

waktu bikin 1 karya, saya harus mempresentasikannya lengkap dengan konsepnya, kenapa kok pilih material ini, apa metrial ini mendukung konsep saya, trus teknik-tekniknya pake' apaan aja. wuih gila deh.. so lengkap pokoknya!

pertamanya saya kaget dengan sistem ngajar dia. tapi pas detik itu saya juga langsung jatuh hati sama tutor yang satu ini (temen-temen yang lain ngamuk-ngamuk; soalnya katanya dia nih bikinrepot.. -emang sih.. hehehe)!
dia bener-bener merombak cara pikir saya yang "seng penting jadi!".
saya salah.
suatu produk yang eksis, itu juga membawa banyak "kenapa" bersamanya.
selalu ada alasan.
jadii, saya ngga' boleh tiba-tiba put a piece of paper tiba-tiba di karya saya. harus selalu ada alasan mengapa. dan harus kuat!

nahhh.. itu diaa! besok tuh studio nirmana full seharian.
dan tema tugasnya : bikin komposisi 3D dari raut.
raut itu.... seperti : selembar kertas, potongan kardus.. pokoknya yang kaya' lempengan gitu loh.
skrgggg, saya lagi PUSING 1000 keliling nyarii ideee..
soalnya 2 karya 3d saya sebelumnya GATOT alias gagal total.
udah kebal nih hati sampe'an gara-gara dikomentari pedes abis-abisan ma tuh tutor.
kali ini: saya harus bangkit!!!
hahahahaha.. -LOL

makanyaaa, barangsiapa yang nemu website bagus buat inspirasi saya such as www.trucdesign.com; harap segera menghubungi saya sesegera mungkin!
i need bunch of helpsss!!!
PLEASEEEE...

xxx

my role model

2008-03-22T23:30:00.000-07:00

just got back from church, and the assigments urge me to sit here again. (in front of this desktop)

wee, how's your Easter? great? feel any Easter?
:D
di gereja tadi ada lomba tebak-tebak'an gambar! bayangin aja, pesertanya tuh om-om, tante-tante, bahkan ada yang engkong-engkong! hahahaha.. jangan salah, mereka semangat banget boo!
jadi critanya, LCD gereja tuh nampilin foto-foto beberapa orang terkenal yang udah di crop, trus jemaat disuruh nebak itu siapa. kebayang ga' sih gimana rame'nya? hahaha..
yang lucu tuh, ada fotonya gembala gerejaku di sana, trus ada juga majelis-majelis gereja gitu. ya ampunn, sampe' kita yang muda-muda nih ngliatin om-om tereak-tereak pengen njawab duluan (soalnya itu 'kan temennya sendiri yang di LCD -foto majelis gereja) tuh bisa geli sendiri gitu lo.. dalam hati, "Yailaa, bapak gue korak abiss.." hahahaha..

seneng deh tadi di gereja. :D i spent few minutes talking with Ce Eve, and Fanny.
Ce Eve itu pelatih choir gerejaku, dan dia tuh salah satu senior di Petra Chorale (tingkat paling tinggi di Petra Choir) bagian sopran dan suaranya gileee... melengking banget! hehehe.. aku kagum banget sama dia. she's like a role model. dia tuh bener-bener berusaha keras buat bisa ngebentuk suaranya sampe' sejernih itu. dan 1 hal yang aku blajar, she took years to do so.
there's no such a shortcut.

semester depan rencananya aku mau ambil kelas vocal sama dia. *YIPPIE!!!*
soalnya aku udah mulai gabung PSU, bukan lagi anak-anak UKM yang cuplis-cuplis. hahahaha.. jadi vocal bener-bener mesti diasah biar ga malu-maluin. hahaha..
wah excited banget nih! gara-gara ngomong-ngomong sama dia, aku jd terinspirasi (ring a bell? i'm a very-easily-inspired girl), dan bener-bener mau serius ngejalanin my paths of life ini.

aku ga mau lagi bolos les inggris (wakakakaka), ga mau lagi males-malesan, spend an hour a day to read and do some sketches, dan ngga' mau nglakuin semuanya setengah-setengah.
that's whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy... skrg siang-siang bolong begeneee.. saya bela-belain ga tidur siang buat NYICIL TUGAS!! ceilaaaa..
hahahaha.. iya dongg.. harus hidup baru! :D
doa'in yaa.. moga-moga ga' kaya' sprite. hihihihi...

xxx

At The Beginning

2008-03-22T08:27:00.000-07:00

i changed my blog's skin to the simplest one i've ever used. ^^V
ngga' tau nih, tiba-tiba aja pengen yang simple dan plain.
*Fi, PUAS?? aku ngalah tuhh... ta' ganti punyakuu! hahahahahaha..*

oh and i decided to erase all my entries, kecuali untuk entry terakhir sebelum hari ini : P.S I Love You. dan beberapa entries lain yang sayang kalo dihapus. hehehe.. (i marked the old ones with smaller font)

i still am amazed by that film (and the stories of course, oh and that awesome Gerard Butler! -pleasee, anyone! bring him to me! hahaha), so i didn't want to delete my posting about that beautiful film here.
i want to make it last. :)

frankly, Pipi's comment really made me think for a while.
i really don't want to make you guys (readers) sleepy and getting bored by my entries, but it just.. me!
;p
that's me when i'm being melancholic, or sad, or.. blue.
but perhaps she's damn right (yeah, my cutie Pipi!).
i should be thinking about which is proper to write down here and go-public, and which are better to save it for myself.

well, i'm practicing to make it all (my stories, thoughts, feelings, etc) more simple yet doesn't lose it's essencetial part.
that's gonna be hard, though.
help me, people! :D

eh and still! i really can't get that man off my head!
yesss.. who else?
Gerard Butler!
*bless me*

i put the most lovely song here, "Till The End". this is the song Gerry always sang to Holly at some late nights. it's deep, and meaningful.
*in order to make him feel like closer to me -hahaha, what a pity me eh?**

Pi, km kan yang paling deket ma Holywood Pi..(ketimbang aku ma Nopek)
bawain pulang donk Piiii (si Gerard'nya mksd gw.. hahaha)...
*begging hopelessly*

Happy Easter all, good night!

xxx

P.S I Love You

2008-03-21T22:15:00.000-07:00

wuah, ndak kerasa! liburan udah mau habis.. Hiks..
cepet banget. padahal masi' banyak yang mesti saya kerjakannn..
i need more timeee...
masi' ada tugas Nirmana, PPKn, Menggambar 2, nyalin catetan, belajar TekBang.. arghhh.. bisa gila nih lama-lama!

oh ya! kemarin saya nonton P.S. I Love You. GILE BENEEEEEERRR...
tu film asli buagus banget!
*highly recommended buat Pipi & Bee -kalian 'kan udah couple, harus nonton tuh film!*
Ujang aja yang baru 5 menit tuh film mulai, udah sesenggukan di sebelah. hahaha..
udah lah pokoknya kemarin tuh kita nonton banjir air mata.
Si Gerry (yang jadi suami yang udah mati) tu bener-bener sayang banget sama Holly (istrinya), seperti di lagu yang sering dia nyanyyin buat Holly, "Till The End". bahkan sampai di surat terakhir, dia bilang sama Holly untuk ngga' terus meratapi kehilangan (karena kematian si Gerry) yang sedang dia hadapai, justru bilang gini,
"Move on, Love. Be falling in love again! Don't be afraid.."

ya ampunnn... aku langsung nangis pas liat itu. gila banget.
bahkan si Gerry tuh udah mikirin soal hal itu sebelum dia bener-bener pergi! ('kan nulis suratnya waktu Gerry masi' hidup).
haaa...
kira-kira masi' ada nggak ya cowok somewhere out there yang bener-bener cinta sama soulmate'nya nanti setulus itu?

gilanya, aku jd pengen kenalan ma si Gerard Butler (pemeran Gerry, yang jd Leonidas di 300 juga) gara-gara nonton tuh film! hahahaha..
*silly thought*

oh ya, akhirnya setelah pulang dr nonton aku beli Brida by Paulo Coleho (yea yea yea, i still remember i got tons of books i haven't read. hahaha), Brida berserita soal cewek yang berjuang menemukan siapa soulmate'nya. harganya mahal banget! 200rb. :( tabunganku langsung ludes.
tapii, karena masi' menggebu-gebu akibat nonton P.S I Love You, akhirnyaaa.. kubulatkan tekad dan atm'ku.. "Ya wes aku beli!" hahaha..

truly guys, kamu semua harus nonton P.S. I Love You.
kalau udah nonton, share yaa, apa aja yang kalian dapet dan habis tissiue berapa. hahahaha..
Pi, enak lu klo mo nonton ada Yan.. bisa sekalian di o\peluk tuh. klo gw? masa meluk Ujang?
XD

Happy Weekend y'all! Miss you gals (Pi, Nv, Bee)

xxx

what a precious treasure i have in you

2008-02-26T05:28:00.001-08:00

ahhh... saya baru bangun dari tidur slama 4jam terhitung mulai dari tadi sore.
ngga' enak. begitu bangun badan sakit semua.
yup i was officially staying awake all night long gara-gara kerja tugas (seperti biasa:) Menggambar II & Nirmana.

tapi yang kali ini parah. lebih parah dari ngga-tidur-sama-skali yang semester lalu. kali ini, badan lagi ngga' fit.
demam, batuk, dan pilek. campurrr jadi satu!! *argh*

tapi gimana lagi, kalo ditinggal tidur, gimana nasib saya besokknya?

pengalaman ngga-tidur melatih saya buat bener-bener planning schedule harian ttg apa yang HARUS dikerjakan sekarang juga, mana yang bisa dikesampingkan terlebih dahulu, dan mana yang sebaiknya ngga' usah dikerjain dulu *seperti browsing-browsing FS ga jelas contohnya -haha-*
saya jadi terbiasa buat slalu re-schedule di dalam pikiran *automatically!* begitu ada rencana lain yang terpaksa "nyelip" di jadwal hari itu.
tapi, justru di sini yang jadi masalahnya.
kadang, di kala kesibukan ngetik makalah atau searching buat bahan, tanpa sadar mata ini pengennya nempel terus di web-web keren such as (okay once again:) FS, blogger, wordpress, dannnn banyak lagiiii...
dan unfortunately, otak yang bisa re-schedule otomatis ini langsung bisa planning waktu sedemikian hebat supaya saya bisa tetep staying wilfying tanpa melupakan kewajiban-kewajiban yang lain. *yah walopun waktunya jadi berkurang*
ahh.. saya rasa saya memang harus bener-bener keras sama diri saya sendiri.
sulit yah? disiplin diri itu bukan hal yang mudah. truly.
butuh kemauan dan ketekunan yang bener-bener kuat.

contohnya aja komitmen saya untuk bangun jam setengah 5.00 pagi tiap harinya untuk saat teduh bersama Bapa. haduuhh.. tuh alarm di HP harus di set mulai pukul 3.00 pagi, trus bunyiin lagi jam 4.00 pagi, dan trakir baru jam 4.30 pagi.
itu aja masi' bisa mikir "lima belas menit lagi dehh..". *dienk.. parahnyaaa*
hanya karena TUHAN yang tidak terlihat secara physically, saya jadi tergoda untuk ngga' konsisten.
tanpa sadar, molor-molorin waktu untuk saat teduh menempatkan saya pada posisi seolah-olah saya meremehkan keberadaan TUHAN.
dan tentunya, berhasil menciptakan image diri saya sendiri sebagai seseorang yang ngga' bisa dihargai karena ketidak-konsistenan saya.

selama hampir setahun kuliah di universitas yang menawarkan begituuuu buanyak kegiatan ini, saya terus dididik untuk bertanggungjawab PENUH atas apa yang sudah saya tetapkan.
saya daftar beberapa kepanitiaan, dan tentu jam kerja kami sebagai panitia menyita waktu dan energy kami (lumayan) habis-habisan.
tapi itulah harga yang harus dibayar untuk sebuah pelajaran seumur hidup. proses belajar yang bukan didapat dengan ongkang-ongkang kaki, namun dengan kerja keras dan bahkan air mata. *kemarin Pepeng nangis di rumahku gara-gara ngrasa dia tuh salah banget udah milih interior --wakakaka- *.

saya ngga' pengen melewatkan masa muda di hidup saya ini hanya dengan memperoleh fun time sebanyak-banyaknya saja. namun sedari muda saya juga mau belajar bagaimana mempertanggungjawabkan hidup ini kepada TUHAN, dan mungkin terhadap diri saya sendiri.
masa muda yang identik dengan tawa & semangat, saya rasa juga harus diimbangi dengan sebuah penghargaan kepada diri sendiri lewat pembuktian kepada yang lain bahwa kita generasi muda juga qualified dan tangguh.

saya bersyukurrrrrr bangettt... untuk waktu-waktu di hidup saya yang boleh sedemikian saya nikmati setiap detiknya.
kemarin, waktu sedang ngetik makalah dan nyambi chatting *ehehehehe..*, Danie bilang, "smangat ya buat nirmana'nya!".
Danie itu bisa dibilang temen yang lumayan baru di hidup saya. *masih fresh kau Dan! hahaha*
kami kenal karena sama-sama gabung di Petra Choir, dan lebih dekat lagi karena juga bareng joined KaMa.
perhatian yang kecil namun meaningful yang dia berikan kemarin malem membuat saya sangat bersyukur dan langsung sadar bahwa, bagaimanapun stressful'nya hidup, kadang ada berkat-berkat "kecil" yang suka nyelip dan layak kita syukuri kalau saja kita mau lebih peka dan melihat jauh ke dalam.

Kemarin sekitar jam 2 pagi, Pepeng SMS kasi' smangat; di MSN ketemu sama Timotius dia bantuin cari URL untuk tugas ttg plumbing dan he gave me too kind attentions mengingat kondisi saya yang udah kleper itu. Jam 5 pagi Udjang udah woro-woro bilang "ini baru permulaan temannn! perjuangan kita masiii panjang! ciayooo!".
ahh~.. rasanya walau badan ini udah mau remek dan mata ini udah pengen nutuuppp aja, tapi hati ini masih pengen beranjak melangkah lagi *mungkin sedikit langkah lagi* untuk bertahan, dan mengisi hidup dengan makna.

masa muda yang penuh tuntutan dan perlombaan untuk fulfill this youth semaksimal mungkin, ngga' pernah membiarkan kita berjalan sendirian.
tapi masa muda juga menawarkan kita untuk mau membuka mata dan hati lebih dalam lagi dari biasanya, untuk menemukan wonders yang TUHAN beri; setiap detik dalam hidup ini.

Nii-Nii (panggilan untuk laki-laki yang lebih tua; dialek Okinawa, Jpn -he's one of my special close friends-) pernah bilang dalam satu sore di hari Minggu, "Ise, punya teman itu.. mengharukan".

dan dia benar sekali.

tanpa mereka (entah "just friend", "close friend", "best friend" - atau apalah itu), saya tidak akan bisa melangkah sejauh seperti sekarang ini, dan mungkin hidup ini hanya sebatas hitam putih saja. *tapi klo di photography B&W mah keren bangett! hahaha -ga nyambung ya?-*

you're not alone
together we stand
i'll be by your side
you know, i'll take your hands

when it gets cold
and it feels like the end
there's no place to go
you know, i won't give in

keep holding on
'cause you know we'll make it through
just stay strong
'cause you know i'm here for you
there's nothing you can say
nothing you can do
there's no other way when it comes to the truth
keep holding on
'cause you know
we'll make it through!

*buat semua teman, yang sudah mau berhenti sebentar dalam hati ini, dan lalu melanjutkan perjalanan bersamaku - I Thank my GOD for you, each time I think of you*

summer love

2008-01-11T09:57:00.000-08:00

okay, so here's the thing:
(i think)i'm falling in love..
*no no, it's not with blogging.. XD~, this one is REAL*
i'm so glad to find i've finally moved on *from my past* and start to open my heart for another love.
buttttt...
*oh i hate buts*
i think (again), i should stop this feeling before it's growing to be more serious. or else, i would find another difficulties in forgetting someone i love, or like, or crush on, or whatever you may call it..

buttttt...(again)
*oh i still hate buts!*
it's not that easy you know.. sadly.
it's like.. losing something special.
and it's hard to just let this feeling go..
okay, so anyone care to help me, please do help me NOW!

i don't want to fall for him,
but in the other hand, i really love to be around him.
buttttt...(again!!-argh!)
i don't think he feels it, too.
*one-side love story is always ends up like this. -.-"*
so, i think the very best way is just taking this feeling back,
and hit the road..
and start something new again..

well i'm not sure this will do though.
let's just hope..

*especially for nopek: i read something in common with my entry today within your blog. it's your story, and i don't want to be curious about it and like "tell me, tell me, tell me!".
but it seems like you're such a pro in this kind of handling feeling - yes, i'm talking about forgetting someone (crap!).
would you mind to share some tips, or perhaps some special recipe "do & don't"s? haha XD
i really need it now, for real.:)
smooch!

summer love is supposed to end when the season has been flown away, but it's just not that easy..
although it's only a summer love, really.

Crissy's

Winnie dan Wilbur

lullaby

remembrance

the forgiveness to learn

the xmas eve

a new day has come

if You want me to

Roxy

fun day out

late night thought

apologize

what happens to me?

tuesday

hello hols!

the holiday

past, and who lasts

lonely night

nighty night

Test of Life

confession

a smile worth a thousand words

delightful one

nightcrawler <3

sunday passion

alone and on

short messy updates

what a day :)

freaky thursday

Lipstick Jungle

today :)

after all this time

Bocelli

wedding

what is blogging anyway?

her

my sleepover

My New Skin! *and the trouble within*

Weekend?

Pelma's Gathering

wake up because of saturday night

liburannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Holidays I'm Comingggggggggggggggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!

Lia

Indonesia

back again again again again!!

my vocal class and the complex nirmana's macquete

nice evening

Ce Jeans

my skipped class

nirmana

my role model

At The Beginning

P.S I Love You

what a precious treasure i have in you

summer love

My New Skin! and the trouble within